


Supernova // Larry Stylinson

by darkangels0



Series: Eversio // (destruction) [1]
Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Porn, Contracts, Depressed Louis, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fights, Flashbacks, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, Hurt Harry, Hurt Louis, Im crap at this, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Louis, Lies, M/M, Multi, My First Fanfic, Oblivious Harry, One Night Stands, One-Sided Relationship, Panic Attacks, Rebellious Behaviour, Rebellious Louis, Relationship Discussions, Sad, Sad Louis, Secrets, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Louis, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-27
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-03 21:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2888012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangels0/pseuds/darkangels0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>su·per·no·va  (so͞o′pər-nō′və)</em><br/><em>n. pl. su·per·no·vae (-vē)</em><br/>A rare celestial phenomenon involving the <em>explosion of a star</em> and resulting in an extremely bright, short-lived object that emits vast amounts of energy. Depending on the type of supernova, the explosion <em>may completely destroy the star, or the stellar core may survive to become a neutron star.</em><br/>+</p><p> </p><p>"You're red, I'm red too." Louis twirled around, his arms reaching up to the sky; fingers playing with an invisible curtain. "If we kissed we wouldn't make any other colors." the corners of his lips went down.</p><p>"Why am I red, Lou?" his eyes stared passively at him.</p><p>"Passion, sunshine, passion." he kept dancing with the air. "Anger too; so much, so much."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>* TRIGGER WARNING // Self- Harm, Eating Disorders, Past Abuse, Abuse, Thoughts of Suicide, Drugs *</p><p> <em>**Previously named - Eversio // Larry Stylinson**<em></em></em><br/>((((undergoing heavy editing/ re-writing)))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. // Prologue *

 

 ".. and they loved each other so much that the gods decided their love should be immortal and let them stay up in the sky; where they can shine and guide lovers like them."

Louis turned his head to look at his brother's face. "Forever? They don't die?"

Adam chuckled, tapping Louis' forehead. "Well, that's what immortal means," Louis pouted, "but, um, the star does die?"

Seeing the confusion in Louis' face become more pronounced, he explained more,  "So, what we're seeing right now is their ghosts because they could be dead after years and years of shining."

"Oh, but how do they die?"

"You're a curious little thing, aren't you?" Adam bit his cheek trying not to laugh at Louis' unimpressed face.

Hearing the wind ruffle the leaves on the trees surrounding them, he noticed how the moon was hung up on the right side of the sky.

"It's late, go to sleep." 

"But-"

"I'll give you candy." Adam said off the bat, knowing that the outcome never changed.

"Stripped lollies?" He asked squinting his eyes.

The oldest only smiled and made a zipper motion across his lips.

Blue eyes draped the sheet over him and pretended to be asleep, fake snores giving it away.

Adam only laughed.

 

//

 

Years had passed with the velocity they moved from town to town - at a blurry speed.

None had names, the current and future one a carbon copy of the previous.

It was a calm day, the sky was as blue as it could get before night falls and the little cafe they were in was simple and quiet.

"L, how about you go explore while I check some things?"

"Do you have any idea of how suspicious you sound?" Louis rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure; just don't do anything stupid."

"That's sweet coming from you!" Adam laughed.

Louis stuck his tongue out, "It was only once, unlike a certain someone."

The oldest did the same with his tongue. "Whatever, see you in the room later."

 

//

 Louis and Adam were on the motel's room bed, the youngest reading a book that he had snatched a while back in December.

Adam grabbed one of the pillows and stuck his hand in, feeling around for the square.

He nudged Louis, "Happy birthday, you little shit."

Louis gave him an unimpressed look but didn't bother to hide his excitement.

Small fingers quickly undid the newspapers wrapped around the square.

 _The Way to the Bright Dots_ stood in big white letters against a dark blue background. It had seen better days but that didn't matter, nothing could have made a better present.

"You remembered?" he whispered.

"I did say I was going to tell you, didn't I?" the grey eyed one gave a small smile.

The blue eyed threw himself at Adam, squeezing him as hard as he could. "Thank you, thank you _so much._ "

He felt his eyes welling up with tears but he pushed them back.

"There's also another thing," Adam looked through a pocket in an olive jacket. "Here."

A black crystal hung from a silver chain necklace. "The lady who gave it to me said that it would protect you, I really hope it does; you need it."

This time a tear slipped out.

"You're such an asshole; making me cry in my own birthday." A watery laugh slipped through his lips.

"Eh, it was nothing." he shrugged his shoulders. "You should thank the idiots that were too distracted."

"Whatever, really, thank you." he smiled and hugged him again.

 "Now, I wanna hear about their lives." he sat back against the shitty headboard.

"A star is a luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity..." his voice filled the room for hours till' it traded with the other one in the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Hoped it sparked a little bit of your interest.  
> (The story's being published at Wattpad too, so check it out!)
> 
> : )


	2. // Chapter 1 *

The waves hitting against the pillars were a soft lullaby to him; the breeze, a gentle mother's touch- caressing his cheeks, mussing up his hair.

He felt something inside of him loosing up and tensing again, or maybe it was the necklace around his neck, twined around his fingers.

It was the excitement, or maybe, the anticipation of doing something you've been waiting, wanting to do for so long.

Up above, everything looked like a replica of that time Louis had dropped an opened can of paint, white specks and freckles splattered on a dark fabric.

His eyes settled on the far left, where a big bright spot appeared; it greeted him by shining brighter.

A pair of lips stretched upwards, he greeted it back.

It became bigger once the waves became more eager and passionate, no one was more excited than them.

He felt it in the tips of his fingers, it was time.

He took a step forward, everything was calm; no footing, a cold breeze enveloped him.

An embrace and a kiss.

 

 

((15 Months Earlier))

"Lou!" The deep voice came from the floor below.

"Yeah, love?" Small footsteps bounced on the wooden floor.

"Have you seen my rucksack anywhere?"

Louis popped his head around the small frame of the attic. His hands felt sticky, his hair a mess and if you looked hard enough you'd find half a lung on the floor, or the boxes.

"Uh, not that I remember; but did you check on the terrace? Inside the pot with the weird colored flowers?" His voice sounded rough and scratchy.

Harry had begun to climb the small ladder, their faces closer. "Which ones? There's like a thousand there."

"The ones you saw in Greece or was it the Bahamas? I don't know, they're next to the bed." Louis straightened out his crouched form. "Why? You heading out somewhere or did your inspiration make a sudden appearance?"

The curly haired one sat on the border of the frame, his dangling feet touching a step of the ladder.

Louis resumed his previous actions of opening boxes.

His head tilted to the side, "Why do you say it in that tone?"

Louis turned his head and frowned, "Oh, did I say it in a bad way? I'm sorry if I did. I'm just distracted but it's great, really, that you found something and want to write again."

"Sorry, it's just that I'm really snappy and nervous and I don't know why." He finished it with a sigh.

"Hey, darling, it's okay, we all have our days; y'know what? Let's head down to the jungle, would be a shame if you lost the thought," The blue eyed bent down and kissed Harry's curls."I've quite missed seeing you hunched over it writing."

"But, weren't you doing something right now?" His eyes surveyed the ripped boxes, loose papers and stuff all around.

"Well, the book I'm looking for isn't going to use it's feet and walk around," He ushered Harry down the ladder. "however, your idea will."

 

//

 

Louis was right after all, the rucksack was exactly where he'd said and it was a miracle the flowers hadn't mushed over.

Music was softly crooning in the background, they needed noise after getting used to always having it. No one paid attention to it though.

His head was on Harry's lap, eyes lazily focusing on Harry's features; fingers twitching to tuck the loose ringlet behind his ear but he refrained.Harry was in his bubble now after months and he wasn't going to be the one to burst it.

And it was more than just the little curl, it was everything - to the supple skin of his cheek, to the swooping eyelashes that could've fanned a king, to those vibrant pink pillows that are so so soft, to the tiny dots spread randomly around his neck and the one that was next to his ear, to the love bite almost but not quite hidden in the shadows of his jaw.

Harry on the other hand cared very little of Louis' inner monologue of his features and put his notebook on Louis' face.

"Am I sturdy enough for you?" the words came out muffled and even though he couldn't see his features, Harry knew Louis was rolling his eyes.

"Very, now, I don't think that tables talk; do they?" a hand brushed over the silver of Lou's tummy that the risen shirt showed.

Louis tried shying away from those wicked fingers, laughing.

Harry's face showed up again, lips stretched into a smile and then it was black again.

"Oi! I don't have to put up with this abuse; why do I stay?"

"Because," Harry's face popped up again, "you _lurve_ me."

Louis raised his eyebrows, "Whatever you say, big shot."

Harry puckered out his lips and exaggerated kissing sounds, "Little Lou _lurves_ me."

"Okay, that's it." Louis got up and walked away stretching himself, shirt rising up as he did so.

Harry groaned when he saw Louis' beautiful thighs, "Lewie, don't do that."

Louis ignored him and kept walking, swaying his hips, "You could use a little more inspiration." he laughed, "Finish it up."

 

//

 

Louis came back later to drink some water and to see if Harry had fallen asleep.

His baby already had a bad back, that would only make it worse.

Harry was awake with his head between his hands; he could hear the sound of deep inhales and exhales the closer he got.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Harry lifted his face, it was more pale than usual. "I-I don't want to do it again, please." he murmured under his breath looking at Louis.

"Darling, you're making me more worried; what happened?" His palms grabbing Harry's face softly.

Harry gave Louis the phone next to him.

The screen was glaring at his face screaming.

_Meeting tomorrow at 9 a.m; small part of the team will be there. -m!r_

Louis took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a minute. Harry needed him right now.

"C'mon, love. Let's head back to bed." Harry got up and hid his face on Louis' neck, Louis wrapped his arms around him.

He grabbed the worn journal with the hand closest to the sofa.

So much for not bursting the bubble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay sooo, i re-wrote idek; feedback?


	3. // Chapter 2*

 

  
Harry gripped the steering wheel tightly, taking deep breaths. He felt as dread, the fear of what he knew was bound to simply happen -whether he liked it or not- wrapped around him  like a vice.

His eyes surveyed the parking lot through the windshield, and suddenly, he was 5 years old again.

Everything was bubbling lava and the only safe place wasn't the lines that divided each parking space, it was the space he was in.

He refused to die drowning in that thick liquid fire.

Something inside him, maybe, survival instincts or a gut feeling kept begging to not go, to turn around and just leave.

But he wasn't a wild animal and there was no lava, only concrete and tar.

So, he took one last breath and got out of the car.

//

Louis was unable to sit still for more than a few seconds before one of his legs started to bounce which only led to him pacing around or have his fingers twitch.

He knew that he shouldn't be so anxious, so much that some could confuse it with enthusiasm, to hear what news H would bring. It's always bad when they are involved in the mix.

He had tried to focus on a host trying to get an audience member to dance to the Macarena with some hat made of eggs or some other ridiculous shit but to no avail.

When that didn't work, he went and watered the plants.

He kept looking over too much at the table where his phone lay and accidentally over watered some of the succulents by the window.

Next, he tried to make himself some tea. Adding caffeine to a body that's already wired isn't a good idea but, alas, a distraction is a distraction. 

Or at least until you manage to burn the water.

That did it, he knew he had to distract his hands, head with something else.

With a sigh, Louis put on some shoes and left the flat.

//

Hours later, they were both laying on the bed - limbs intertwined with each other's.

Louis could feel Harry's lips against the skin above his collarbones.

His fingers continued to twist and turn random curly ringlets.

He felt eyelashes brushing the side of his neck before the moisture.

Louis didn't make any soothing sound to stop the tears, no matter how much  the stinging sensation in his chest increased. Rather, opted to just let Harry let it out.

Louis desperately wished he could open his chest and hide Harry there - between his heart and lungs, that way being protected by his ribs. Nobody could hurt him there.

But alas, that's not possible and Harry's sobs only kept increasing as the minutes kept passing.

Louis began to feel the stuttering of Harry's breath to become more pronounced the more agitated he became. He had to calm him down before he started wheezing, which would only lead to more complications.

"Babe," Louis fit his thumbs above H's jaw, the rest of his fingers curving their way around his neck. "love?"

Louis tried to distance himself a little to remove Harry's head tucked in his neck. In retaliation, he felt Harry tightening his hold further on his shirt.

"Haz, please." A tear escaped, "I need you to open those beautiful eyes, okay?"

He felt Harry shaking his head.

"We're in the dark, no one can hurt us here." He kissed H's cheekbone as he kept whispering. "Open your eyes, please."

Harry's wet eyelashes brushed the column of his neck as his hand went around looking for Louis'.

Louis intertwined their fingers and kissed Harry's knuckles. "I'm here, I'm here."

Harry closed his eyes again and Louis felt as his chest continued to heave, trying to hold in the sobs.

"I need to you to take deep breaths for me." Louis kept whispering, "Just let them all out, slowly."

Harry's sobs dissolved slowly bit by bit slowly, though, his tears still created tiny streams on L's neck.

"I'm tired, so fucking tired." His voice broke and Louis could picture flowers bowing their bodies towards the ground and shedding their petals.

Louis' answer of _I know, love_ summed all the words that didn't leave either of their mouths.

The atmosphere seemed too fragile, delicate for heavy words full of resentment and anger. The same words that are said over and over and over again to each other because the people they are aimed to have deaf ears.

It just seemed useless at this point.

A few moments of silence occurred before - "Can you tell me one?"

Louis understood what Harry was referring to.

"Any requests?"

"It has to end happily." The tears hadn't heard of a drought and so continued to feed the streams.

There was no use in the thunder when it could drizzle and bit by bit cause the same effect.

It was silent for a few moments before Louis started painting a daydream for Harry to see with words.

"You're a poet who always had a smudge of ink from his temple to the apple of his right cheek. I'm a waiter at a coffee shop who always has little cuts on his fingertips. We meet each other for the first time on thanks to a game in a New Year's party." Louis' fingers softly tapped their way on Harry's spine. "We ended up on an impromptu trip around London. The night ended with us covered in glitter and sugar.

"When we saw each other again after some time, I was on the middle of one of my night shifts when I saw you. I was annoyed at first because really, who is the asshole that decides to come in when I'm minutes away of locking everything up? But then you being you, and me being me, I ended up being completely floored by the way you looked so beautiful just sitting there, body bowed over a notebook. It didn't help that you chose to sit on one of the booths where the glass window was beside it."

He continued after biting his lower lip, "Eventually, your presence became a constant on the shop - same hour, same booth. We became closer and my feelings for you kept increasing. I often thought that it was ironic the way I often felt like writing a sonnet about the way that one strand curled above your left eyelash; you were the poet, not me. Much to my surprise one day while I was drinking some of the coffee in your cup, you asked me out. I choked on the hot liquid.

Our first date was on the rooftop of a building a friend of yours was renovating. I gave a hint towards it needing plants whose bodies where wild and kept branching everything like they had so much love to give they wanted to embrace whatever they were near to. It was also another occasion where you had asked me about my fingertips; but I only responded that I would show you later.

"The moment when I realized that my feelings for you could only be translated to the words 'I love you' for the first time, it felt like, y'know, when a golden light filters through the thin curtains and just bathes everything in a lazy air of content and everything in that moment just feels like that's the reason, y'know? Anyways, I saw the train shake the windows and you screamed over the sound."

_That sounds oddly familiar, doesn't it?_

Waving off the thought fast before it consumed him, he continued, "I whispered it and because exhilaration hit me so suddenly I laughed, you didn't hear it."

Louis slid his hand over where Harry's heart would beat on his chest. It was returning to its usual steady pace.

"We moved in together the day various lunar eclipses were scheduled to appear. To celebrate, we went to the hillside of a vineyard.

Time later, we decided to get married and because we didn't need no piece of paper from the city hall, we got married in a place where petals from cherry blossom trees fell like rain. The ceremony was between us, everything was so beautiful. We had our fights, of course, but that never tore us apart."

He opened his eyes to see Harry's reaction. A little of the light coming through the blinds entered from a little open space in the duvet; it made H's tear tracks shine.

He wiped them away with petal light touches and kissed his forehead.

It was silent again for a few beats before it broke. "Why _did_ you have little cuts on your fingertips?"

He blinked as he tried to make sense of Harry's words.

Seconds later, it hit him making Louis roll his eyes fondly and shake his head. "Of course." he muttered.

"Oh, well, a friend of mine was very sick and couldn't get out of the hospital and so, I did my best at cheering them up. I always stole roses from the Boy Behind the Bricks's garden and got cut from the thorns because of how rushed I was. The wanker always tried to hit me with something but I was always too quick for it."

Harry grabbed Louis' hand and brought it closer to his face.

He kissed the tips of his fingers, exactly where he could feel the traces of the scars that refuse to fade away.

Louis didn't have to see the green eyed man's face to be aware of the realization creeping up on him.

He only moved his head until he was able to hide his face on Harry's hair.

_Story time is over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (rewritten)
> 
> hi, sorry for the late af update; not going to even bother on giving you guys an excuse. 
> 
> thanks for sticking up with me to those who did; your comments were lovely and kept me motivated enough as to not drop it completely.
> 
> hope it wasn't too shitty and somehow managed to live up to expectations?? 
> 
> ((i will first rewrite/ edit all the chapters i have posted rn and then continue the rest of the story.))
> 
> i'm going to try my hardest to get over my writer's block and not let myself get unmotivated. 
> 
> oh and sorry if it looks all weird or anything my laptop was cracked by some asshole and it won't let me put italics where they should be on my phone.
> 
> -venus.xx


	4. // Chapter 4

Weeks passed, going in and out of the studio and their own flats. Harry and Louis were going strong, Louis held on to the promise Harry made; he knew that soon it was going to be showtime.

He always pushed it to the back of his mind, but it still flashed bright.He didn't notice but his fingers were shaking. The news of when the lie would be released to the world had his stomach turning in knots.

As promised they were notified, Harry had to 'ease' in to it for the public. It was going to start with some cryptic tweets, lyrics of some sad love song about wanting to be on your lover's side and missing them.

Then proceeding with showing him going to some restaurants/ concerts with a mystery woman. Which, would only brew some speculation and interest in the media and fans.

Ending the process, with an interview where they'll ask who's taken he'll raise his hand.

And Louis is not ready, so soon, _again_.

Last time they had an almost falling out.The jealousy, possessiveness, articles that only made them doubt, scrutiny of the media and poor to none time together, really had them dancing on the tightrope.

He closed his eyes remembering the shouting matches on the phone, the bruises and hickeys they left on each other, - And he's out of it, by a cellphone ringing. His lips turned into a frown in confusion. Harry's phone was with him on the bathroom, so it must be his.

With a hurry he started searching for it, he didn't want the ringer to stop.

He found it under the pillow, quickly sliding over the arrow and unlocking it.

"Hello?" The words came rushing out at a fast pace.

"Lou, hi." the other voice said, worrying a little after a while at Louis' lack of response.

Louis couldn't believe it, he hadn't heard his voice in so long; he really missed him.

"A- Adam, is that you?" His bottom lips trembled a little, he really hoped so. Disappointment and him don't go well together.

"Of course little star, forgot my voice so fast didn't you?"Adam teased him.

"Shut up." Louis muttered, his lips forming a pout. "Is everything okay? Are you finally out?"

There was silence on the line.

"Adam?" He voiced, checking the phone to see if the call had cut off.

"Y- yeah, everything's fine. I just missed you a lot, y'know wanted to catch up with you." His voice was a little shaky, yet only noticeable if you looked for it.

Louis got out of the bed, wrapping the duvet around his frame and walked to the balcony outside. He sat on the cold tiles and looked up to the sky through the railing.

"I'm fine. How's your treatment going?"

"It's slowly getting there, the doctors are very impressed with the quick recovery. They're thinking of dismissing me soon. Angel has come a few times, with sweets. You know how much of a sweet tooth she has. Not that I'm complaining of course."

Louis laughed at that, remembering how addicted to candy those two were.

"I'm so happy to hear that. You deserve it." He said with a smile on his face, then sighed "though I wish I could be there for you and visit you more frequently. I'm such a bad person and even a worse brother, you deserve so much more."

A beat of silence.

" _Christopher Alec Lucx_ , how many times do I have to tell you that it doesn't bother me that fact? You're living your dream, and you're happy;"

 _One of us should_ \- was unsaid but in the tip of their tongues.

He continued his rant. "Besides, you are there, you always pick up when I call. You're the best brother one could possibly ever have. I love you so much, okay? I don't want to hear you putting yourself down, much less for me."

Louis closed his eyes, opened them and took some quiet deep breaths.

"I love you too." His voice cracked a little. He was used to hearing those words with less conviction and repeating them.

He heard some rustling and murmuring on the line. "Sorry, little star, gotta go. Remeber what I told you. I love you."

"I love you too. Oh, and by the way, you're the best brother I could ever ask for." Louis could hear Adam's smile through the line.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight." The call ended after that, he kept staring at the sky. The stars in this part of town were very few, but at least he could see them.

He fell asleep.

Harry got out of the shower minutes later, and saw Louis on the balcony floor. Shaking his head and rolling his eyes fondly he bent down and picked him up.He cocooned Louis in the mess of sheets, making him look like a lumpy caterpillar. He smiled softly at the view.

Louis looked so peaceful and adorable, his long eyelashes casting shadows over his cheekbones and murmuring incoherent words.

"I love you." Harry murmured into his forehead, kissing him there and heading to the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more too add. Sorry for it being so short, I just wanted to update something.  
> Hope you like it.  
> Feedback? 
> 
> : )


	5. // Chapter 4 (P. 2) ✨

Louis woke up a few hours later, it was dawn if the splashes of colors in the sky were any indication.

He felt little suckling kisses along his neck, cheeks and collarbones. He knew exactly who was.

He smiled sleepily, still not wanting to open his eyes. You could say he was enjoying this. "Mmh- to what I deserve this lovely waking up?" He asked his voice scratchy and groggy.

"Open your eyes, love." Harry answered, Louis felt the grin on his neck.

Louis groaned, and cuddled deeper into the pillows.

"C'mon, I have a surprise for you." Harry tried to bribe him, kissing his eyelids.

At the word surprise, Louis peeked one eye opened. "Really? Where? I don't see it." He surveyed Harry's hands and the bed. "Liar, liar pants on fire." He pouted and turned away.

"Did you just call me a liar?" Harry asked in a mock offended tone.

Louis only responded with - "I most certainly didn't call you a truther."

"I guess I have no other option." Insert heavy sigh." The tickle monster will pay you a visit."

At that Louis was jumping up and opening his eyes. "Nope. Tell him he's not welcome."

Louis saw that glint of mischief in Harry's eyes and bolted of the bedroom.

Harry laughed at Louis' childishness, and decided to join him.

"You can run but you can't hide." He exclaimed loudly.

"If you say so, frog face." Louis laughter at Harry's gasp echoed in the hallways.

Harry ran around the house, laughing at Louis. His lover always kept in touch with his childish heart.

Louis was wedged between the mattress and the floor on one of the empty guest rooms in the house. He sucked his cheeks in trying to stop any giggles.

After a few minutes, he was getting uncomfortable. The wood planks supporting the mattress scraped his arms with every breath he took.

Suddenly he was hit by a flashback-

_"C, quick hide under it." A more younger version of Adam instructed him, pointing at the rickety mattress._

_"N-no! What about y-you?" A tiny Louis answered his voice wavering. "H-he'll come! Come with me."_

_Heavy footsteps thundered throughout the halls. They knew exactly who it was._

_Adam pushed Louis down, and nudged him with his foot; dragging him deeper under the bed frame._

_Louis could only see their shadows and shoes. He could hear slurs of words and the buckle of a belt coming loose._

_He closed his eyes, thinking of a lullaby his mother sung to him every night before she left and mouthing it. Chanting in his mind that this is just a dream. It was no use though, the sounds kept snapping him out of his delirium._

_The air was filled with the exclamations of a man, followed by the air whizzing from the belt, to a loud smacking sound._

_"Where's your little twink of a brother, huh?" The older man puffed. "Keeping him all to yourself? You ungrateful little shit."_

_No response was heard back._

-

"Louis! Louis, breathe, c'mon love. Please, please." He heard Harry's voice far away. Louis' eyes swept frantically, perhaps maniacally across the room. Every time he blinked, more images showed up.

Harry grabbed Louis' head and guided his head towards his face. He was trying to make eye contact with him, hoping it would soothe him slowly.

After trying some more, he finally got it. He brushed Louis' hair with his fingers, creating a pattern.

Louis kept watching him, confused at the change of scenery. He felt Harry grabbing his hand and placing it over his chest. The _thump-thump_ of the heart beneath his palms entrancing him.

He was dazed, that much was obvious; at least his chest is heaving with some more even breaths.

Louis was losing consciousness, his eyelids heavily blinking open. He was enamored with the beautiful voice singing. The words making a home in his head.

(A/N : Be Still // The Fray )

 

Harry kept singing looking at Louis and the way Louis' form relaxed.

He was very confused, it wasn't the first time it happened. Recognizing a pattern, he realized that those attacks just didn't happen randomly. They mostly happened in cramped places, big enough for a tiny body to hide. Though, he did note that they hadn't happened in quite a long time.

He was worried, but he didn't want to press Louis for some answers.He knew Louis would just close and block him out.

Still, that didn't help him quench his need for them.

-

Louis woke up hours later, he noticed the harsh sunlight being lightly filtered through the curtains.

His mind was still groggy, but that did nothing to forget about his attack.

_What in the world? Those haven't happened in such a long time, why now? Maybe Adam's call triggered that old memory. Yeah, that's exactly what happened, a one time thing. I can't afford to have them all crashing down on me._

_And, oh fuck. Harry noticed it, hell, he helped me through it. What the fuck can I tell him? I don't want him to know about my fucked up past. It would be unnecessary baggage for him to carry; nevertheless right now isn't the right time._

He moved around in the bed and heard a crinkling sound.

**_Lou,_ **

**_went for a run and some groceries.I know lately you've craving some homemade food. Please DON'T touch the kitchen, I don't want another call from the Fire Department. Was going to wake you up, but you looked too peaceful. I'm rambling,aren't I? Anyways, don't miss me too much._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Harry :)_ **

Louis rolled his eyes at Harry's note. Ever since the incident with the burning casserole, Harry's been very skeptical of Louis and his cooking skills.

Something of - better prevented than later be mournful. _Idiot._

Louis got out of bed, flinching when his feet touched the cool tiles. He went to the bathroom and took care of his business.

He took the alone time he had to think about what excuse he'd say to Harry about previous hours events.

"Honey, I'm home!"

And _shit_ , he's fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...  
>  Enjoy what little fluff is here, the angst coming will be heavy.  
> *insert evil laugh*


	6. // Chapter 5✨

 

 

_She stood by as it fell apart_  
_Separate rooms and broken hearts_  
_But I won't be the one to let you go._

_**Kiss Me Slowly // Parachute** _

 

 

 

"... And our guest stars, One Direction!"  the ginger interviewer exclaimed, receiving loud cheering and clapping.

 

They walked through the entrace, the screams getting louder, in a bee line.

 

Sitting down on the chairs, Louis saw how Harry picked the farthest away from him and pushed down the hurt.

 

"Hi, how are you?" the woman asked in a proffesional manner.

 

Recieving murmurs of 'good' and 'great' as response, she nodded her head lightly and quickly read through the cards.

 

"Recently, we've all seen photos of you going in and out studios very frequently; new album coming?"

 

Niall took the plunge and exclaimed -"Yeah, you've caught us! Though, we were planning on saying it later." he pouted.

 

The interviewer laughed "Sorry, had to ask."

 

It continued like that-

 

"How's it coming up?"  - "Well, I think it's coming out good; but the last word is the fans'."

 

More of the same old questions came, Louis started zonning out.

 

_(Flashback // 3 Weeks Earlier)_

_"Honey, I'm home!"_

 

_Louis turned around with a forced smile and reached up to kiss Harry. "How was it?"_

 

_"Eh, it was okay."_

_"Not many fans stopped you?" Louis asked fiddling with his fingers._

_"Very few stopped me, it was too early in the morning for a teenager to be up."_

_"That's great, yeah?" Louis continued talking as he grabbed the bags and set them on the countertop._

_Harry looked at Louis, he was dying to ask what the hell happened yesterday. So, he did._

_"Lou, can we talk?"_

_Louis' hand froze in the air from where he was putting the food on the fridge. His eyes widened, "We're talking right now,aren't we?"_

_"Louis." Harry stressed, he wasn't in the mood. "What the fuck happened yesterday?"_

_Louis heard him, his form tensed slightly but he decided to act as if he didn't._

_Harry walked up to him and grabbed his wrist with care - obviously he didn't want to hurt him.Turned him around and cupped his hands on Louis' cheeks._

_"Love, please tell me. I'm worried, it's not the first time something like that happens."_

_Louis'eyes faced the opposite pale wall, he didn't want to look at Harry's face. He was a sucker and would no doubt spill the beans. And god, the last thing he wanted was to worry him. They, especially him, had a lot on their plates right now._

_"It's nothing." He pursed his lips."Don't worry, ok?"_

_"Don't tell me to not worry. I'm going to fucking worry about you, I love you. I want you to be okay." Harry's exasperation was as clear as a summer day._

_"It's nothing."_

_"Fucking hell, don't lie to me. We both know that's not something normal."_

_Louis kept his mouth shut. Harry didn't need to know about his baggage._

_"You're not going to tell me, are you?" Harry said after a few minutes of silence._

_Louis looked at his face for the first time, his eyes answered for him._

_Harry's head hung low,he closed his eyes tightly and sighed. "Okay."_

_With that he turned around, climbed the stairs and closed the door._

_Louis sat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar and held his head in his hands._

_"Where are you going?" He asked at Harry's retreating figure, when he saw him -minutes later - dressed up in jeans._

_"I don't need to tell you everything." Harry said, and okay that's a low blow._

_Louis closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Don't be like that."_

_"Like what?" He said putting his faded boots on._

_Louis looked at him and raised an eyebrow "Like the inmature brat you're being right now."_

_"So now I'm an inmature brat?"_

_"Harry, I really don't want to fight with you."_

_"Then it's great that I don't either. Don't wait up." with that he stalked to the door and slammed it on the way out._

_(End of Flashback)_

_-_

 

"So, this is a question frequently asked but I need to do it. Who's taken?"

 

Liam, Zayn and Harry lifted their hands.

 

_God, please tell me this is a nightmare._

"I knew about the other guys, but you Harry? Who's the lucky gal?"

 

Louis looked at the floor and clicked his tongue hard on the roof of his mouth. No sound emmited from the movement though it didn't hide his sour expression.

 

_Asshole, what the fuck? This is just a whole new other level of  fuckedupness._

"I mean,if you want to answer me; is it the woman we've seen hanging around with you?" she sounded hesitant but there's no hiding the eagerness.

 

Harry kept looking at her, arching an eyebrow. "Be a little more specific."

 

"Well don't you have a short memory?" she retorically asked. "Let's freshen it up."

 

Pictures of different angles appeared, Harry talking to a woman and laughing, leaning against a lamppost, his arms around her shoulders, her kissing his cheek.

 

_This hurts, this hurts._

Louis closed his eyes and leaned against Niall's shoulder.

 

Zayn had been discreetly looking at Louis since the start of the interview. He knew how it was going down. Being honest, he thought Louis knew. He was proved wrong as he saw the surprise and hurt in Louis' eyes, which he has to give due credit- Louis hid it quickly.

 

Niall carded his fingers through Louis' hair, playing with it. He wanted to ask him if he was alright, but the microphones were still on and in their clothes.

 

"I don't remember that."

 

The ginger gave him an incredulous look.

 

"Kidding, though it's safe to say you'll be seeing more of her." his lips tilted up at the corners softly.

 

She opened her mouth to continue but stopped placing a hand on her ear.

 

"Well that's all, thanks for being here."

 

"Thanks for having us." A collective murmur was heard.

 

Louis focused on the producer behind the bright lights, few seconds later he got what he had wanted since those questions started - "That's a wrap everybody!"

 

He locked his eyes on Harry, nothing was going to stop this conversation from coming.

Louis walked across the room and grabbed Harry's arm, dragging him.

"L-Lou, where are you taking me?" Harry asked confused.

Louis ignored him and turned the knob of the last door of the long hallway. Much to his luck, it was open.

Pitch black, was the only way to describe the room.

Louis pushed Harry to the wall, feeling satisfied at the soft thud it made.

"What the hell? Fucking turn on the lights." Harry was angsty at the lack of light; he couldn't see Louis' face to gauge what the other was thinking.

"The same question I have on my mind. What the hell was that?! Who do you think you are, huh? To fucking to that? Do you not think of me? Of my feelings? Am I just a fuck?" Louis' voice sounded shrill and brittle, even on his own ears. "Or better yet, just a closeted trophy? Some toy you just use whenever you feel horny or lonely and want some company?"

Harry nailed the impression of a fish out of the water. He was floored by Louis' outburst.

"Not going to say anything, a-are you?" His voice barely wavered. His hands flew to his eyes, where the tears were starting to form.

_And so it is then, the truth finally there._

"No Louis. You're not just some fuck. You're my lover and I yours, how can you say that?!"

"Lover?!" Louis laughed coldly. "You've finally found another career choice, comedy."

"Lover" He repeated again, dragging the letters longer than necessary. "Is this what you consider I am? Yourself to be? If so, let me tell you I'd find better ones fitting that word on a shitty one night stand."

"What? Loui-"

"No, stop right there."

_I swear I'm going to come out this with a bulletproof heart._

"D-Do you have any idea of what's it like to sit on, what you think is a normal interview, just to have it all wrong; because you have be there _next to your boyfriend_ hearing how he throws sha- fuck that, more like confirms that he's pursuing someone that's not you?" He glared at the little shadow he could actually see of Harry. "And _having to sit there and fucking take it_? A little more warning next time would be more than welcome."

"You didn't know?"

His confusion was pissing Louis even more.

"No, Harry. _I didn't flapping know! I wasn't prepared, my mind is still stuck_!" He screamed. "Paired with the fact you were avoiding me and acting like I didn't exist."

"You ignored me and batted me off, like I was a pesky fly that was ruining your lovely summer picnic.It hurt, seeing the way, it came so easy to you. Because for you that's a treat, right? Rather than a punishment."

_Please tell me I'm wrong. Please, please I'm begging you._

The silence stretched out, doing nothing to calm the tensions.

Louis was about to lose his shit and more than probably strangle someone.

Harry was silently crying, he couldn't believe the words coming out Louis' mouth.

He knew that for him to say them, it must've been something he had mulled over quite a lot and had resting in the tip of his tongue; the words fighting their way out.

It hurt to think and hear how lowly Louis thought of Harry's love towards him.

He was pulled out of it.

"Why?" It came out as a drowned gargle. "Why were you doing that?"

"I- I was hurt, still am a little if I'm honest." Harry said his voice fighting with emotion.

"Why?" Louis pulled at his own hair.

"You clearly don't trust me enough to tell me, to know that I'll still be there for you -with you- and won't love you any less."

_Really? Can't he see I'm doing this for the both of us. To avoid as much pain on him as possible? The pain of him realizing he fell in love with someone who isn't what he thinks he is, that simply doesn't exist._

_And well my own pain, because I didn't fall, I completely jumped off the railing threw my footing to the wind, for him. I know I couldn't be able to take it if he ever leaves me. Call me egotistical, if you want but no I can't risk losing him. So yeah, I know he's lying, and I can't hear him anymore, I'll start believing him._

That last thought was what he voiced out loud. "You should stop saying that, you're lying and I can't afford to believe that only to be proven correct."

"I'm not lying, I love you. I'm saying the truth." Harry went to hold him but Louis pushed him away.

"Don't kid yourself, Harry."

Without a look, Louis ran to the door.

Harry slid down the wall, putting his head in his hands and sobbing.All he could think was-

_Is this the end?_

Little did he know, it was only the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! : )
> 
> Really hoping it wasn't too shitty.
> 
> How was it?
> 
> Feedback?


	7. **** A/N *****

 Okay, darlings.

This is where the plot starts to thicken up and form the idea of the story. There will be graphic descriptions of self-harm, drug abuse, (and all the shit I put in the summary of the story).

Please, if you're very sensitive or prone to be triggered don't continue reading. My goal with this isn't that. I can't exactly keep putting at the start of each chapter what trigger will be there, it ruins the whole surprise plot twist, and stuff.

So yeah, that was it.I don't want to offend anyone, much less be rude; but this was needed to be known.

      Take care : )

 


	8. // Chapter 6✨

 

 

***//TRIGGER WARNING//***

 

 

_I'm just a problem that doesn't wanna be solved_  
_So could you please hold your applause_  
_Take this sideshow and all its freaks_  
_And turn it into the silver screen dream_

_**Novocaine // Fall Out Boy** _

-

 

Louis pushed his feet to carry him as fast as possible out of that damned place.

_Louis, you're such a cunt! How could you say that to him? Now, you've hurt him with the truth. He doesn't deserve you! Stupid prick._

He ignored the boys who tried to stop him and ask him what was wrong.

_I need to get out, I need to get out. Now._

He saw an opening and took it, weaving himself through the blocks of different studios.

His lungs were burning, the hurry of escaping didn't leave him for much time to take a gulp of air.

Louis saw the gates at the entrance and pushed harder, he knew that without a doubt his security must be on his trail.

"Stop! Louis!" He heard a gruff voice shout.

He saw the security barriers and slid under them.

_Hell yes! I still have it._

Quickly grabbing his footing again, he called a motorcycle parked on the nearer side of the sidewalk.

The driver looked up, Louis sat and exclaimed- "Drive as fast as you can!"

The woman looked dubiously, bu didn't need to be told twice. She threw him a helmet and revving the bike she accelerated through the streets.

 Louis only had time to see the blurred figures of security men shouting at him.

+

The woman drove them to a gas petrol station. He quickly mounted off.

Whilst shaking his hair, he handed her the helmet.

"Thanks."  Louis' voice was all shaky and gravelly. He assumed it must have been because of his shouts earlier.

And maybe, his tears pooling in the back of his slightly red eyes or the huge ass lump in his throat.

"No problem,bub." said the woman with auburn hair.

She had a nice open smile and even though her eyes showcased the same, there was no way of hiding that cold, hard glint of recognition in them. "Stay good, yeah?"

Readjusting herself on the bike, she accelerated the bike; and just like that she was gone.

Louis kept looking in the woman's direction even after she was no longer in sight. Shaking himself out of his stupor, he walked through the doors.

There was barely any costumers, he silently thanked her; he didn't have the strength to get into character.

Walking through the aisles, he picked a few snacks and then went to the counter. A burly man with quite an amount of beard was behind it. 

Louis' red eyes looked ahead to the wall. He saw a fair amount of different brands of razor blades. He didn't know why, but he felt an attraction to them - or,well, more like an itch to have it.

So, he added them too, along with cigarettes and a lighter.

The man with a bored gaze completed the transaction, giving him a bag with everything after Louis gave him the money.

He walked outside and shoved his hand into the bag. Opening the box and taking one out, he flicked his lighter; a beautiful flame touching the tip of the white paper.

Louis hollowed his cheeks, inhaling a long drag to later on open his lips to let the white smoke unfurl to the air.

With finally some of the resting edge decreased - most of it lost on the ride there, he had forgotten how liberating it could be - he let himself check around for his surroundings.

_Shit, how long was the ride here? It was pretty fast, but then again she was driving just like that. Oh fuck it, I'll just find some ratty motel and stay there._

Louis turned back around and asked the same man from earlier for directions to any near motel.

After that very short conversation, he knew where to go.

-

He had walked for around 10 minutes or so when he  _finally_ saw it.

The name of it ' _Lonely_ _Hearts'_ was in a fluorescent neon blue with some part of the letters unlit. It was more of a  _'Lonl hart'._

_Oh, what a fitting name._

Long ago, he'd already ditched the bag along with the snacks. The outline of the box of cigarettes and the lighter gave the top of his thighs a lumpy form. Though, that was nothing compared to the weight the tiny blade box gave him.

He walked in to the front desk, a woman this time behind it. Vaguely telling her he wanted a room, paying and refusing her offer to 'make him feel good' - _oh god -_ he finally got to the room.

The room's white greyish white walls were starting to peel off; along with the carpet. The bed frame was quite chipped -  _of course -._ It was alright, considering the fact that's exactly how he imagined it would be. 

_After so many years spent hiding in them, I knew exactly how most of them looked like- worn out and very,very used._

Kicking off his shoes, he sat down on the grey sheets and blocked out the memories as best as he could.

Louis closed his eyes and threw himself back against the bed. He tried not to about all the things people could've or have already done there.

The earlier weight now turned into an increasing burn. Delving a hand into his pocket, he finally took it out.

The tiny box had different shades of red, the brand  _Personnna_ in black letters.

_Is it just me, or is this day full of irony? Personnna, nice brand name. Maybe it knows why many people buy it; to reveal their true 'personna'._

He opened the flap and let the 5 blades, individually wrapped in a thin sheet of protective paper, rest in his palm. And god, if he thought that the burn would've fade out once he took them out of his pocket; he was wrong. If anything it had increased.

His mind was running wild with so many scenarios and ideas; the more appealing- to brand himself as what he is, to make people know exactly what he is, what he deserves.

_And, what's stopping me?_

-

"Where the fuck is he? He isn't answering his fucking phone and we can't track him!" The head of security shouted, his face red.

"Maybe he's not answering because he wants to be alone?" one of the boys suggested, Liam, maybe.

"Or he fucking left it?" Niall said entering the room with a black sleek phone on his palm. "It's got no battery, by the way."

He put it on the table, the red faced man from earlier sighed heavily and clenched his teeth.

"Where's Harry? Please tell me, you know he's somewhere around." he took deep breaths trying to calm himself. "Hell, maybe he has an idea of where Tomlinson might be."

Niall, Zayn and Liam left and parted ways, all thinking, hoping that-  _Harry has an idea of where Louis might be._  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...  
>  Sorry, loves.  
> Had to write the chapter again, didn't like how the earlier was. Now, you'll finally start to see the good stuff.  
> Tell me your thoughts on it? Feedback?


	9. //Chapter 7 ✨

 

 

_Some things are better left to rot_  
_I’m quick to push, I’m quick to shove, and the first to point the finger_  
_No company could ever be enough_  
_I’ll stay outside tonight_

_**Sick and Impatient // Citizen** _

 

 

_**-** _

 

"Harry!" Niall yelled walking around the hallways. Surely, he must've known how crazy he looked. "Harry!"

 

He reached the end of it and heard nothing, so he started turning around to look in another place when he heard a sob.

 

_What the fuck?_

He stayed silent, waiting for another sound so he knew where to move.

 

Few seconds later, he heard it again. He walked forward and opened the last door to the left.

 

The room was still pitch black, though with the door open some light entered.

 

He could only see the vague shape of a body. Looking a little more closely, he recognized the clothes.

 

"H?"

 

Harry snapped his face up at the source of the sound. His tear tracked cheeks were positively glowing with some light reflecting there.

 

Niall walked forward and sat down, pulling Harry into an embrace. Who, only cried harder.

 

He tightened his hold around the crying boy. Starting to run his fingers through Harry's curls trying to calm him down.

 

"Why does he think I d-don't love him? I do! I do!" His words came out muffled and warped.

 

Niall slowly released Harry."What was that?"

 

"L-Louis thinks I don't l-love him; I do, I do. I-I love him, how can he not see that? I really love him, you've got to believe me." Harry's words came rushing out and tripping over each other. "You believe me, right? You know I love him."

 

Niall just shushed him soflty, telling him he needed to breathe.

 

"You don't believe me either, do you?" Harry glared.

 

He was quick to answer, "I do believe you, I know you love him. I was going to be your best man, remember?"

 

"Was? Oh gosh, I completely fucked it all up!" Harry only sobbed harder.

 

Niall was getting worried twice the amount now; that with Harry in this state, he didn't want to think about how Louis would be.

 

"No,no you didn't. You guys are strong, you'll pull through. Haz, he's just mad and hurt right now. You know how he gets."

 

"Y-yeah, but I've been ignoring him for weeks now; he probably hates me."

 

"Hush, Harry. We both know that's not true, he loves you and you love him."

 

Harry only looked at him skeptically and just wrapped his arms around him.

 

Niall reciprocated and opened his mouth to day something when someone burst through the door.

 

"Ni, did you find him?" Liam said, "Why is it so dark here?" he turned his head around looking for a light switch.

 

He hummed when he found it, flicking it up.

 

"What the -? Are you okay?" Liam asked getting closer to Harry and kneeling down.

 

"Why are you crying?" Liam asked completely not seeing Niall's signals to shut up.

 

Niall rolled his eyes and pursed his lips. He had finally got Harry to calm down a little.

 

Harry only sniffled and shook his head. "W-why were you looking for me?"

 

 "Oh yeah, um Harry have you seen Louis?"

 

"N-no, he stormed o-out after he yelled at m-me." Harry clearly was trying to hold his tears in.

 

"Haz, we need to know where he is. Mike is losing his shit, and he didn't leave in a very good state either."

 

Harry was now more than concerned; he was so focused on how he felt after the words came out of Louis' mouth that he hadn't stopped to think about what state Louis was.

 

"Shit, no I didn't think about it."

 

"Do you have an idea of where he might be?"

 

"I-I, no."

 

\--

 

**_He doesn't deserve you._ **

****

**_We should all be drowning in pity for those people who have to put up with your shit, starting with Harry._ **

****

**_He loves you, for reasons unknown to you; or well he doesn't love YOU, he loves your character, your facade._ **

****

**_Nobody could ever love you._ **

****

**_You're nothing, just a toy to pick up when bored._ **

****

**_You're a waste of space, everybody knows that._ **

****

**_You play them like a guitar; joke's on you because they play you like a symphony- making you believe they could ever give a damn about you._ **

****

**_Fucking ungrateful bastard, why does Adam love you?_ **

****

**_Oh right he doesn't, he could never love the reason why he has scars all over him and why your goddamned mother left you both._**

****

**_He probably hates you, how can he not? He has you as a brother._ **

****

"Shut up! Shut up!" Louis yelled at the air, he covered his ears - to make the voice stop. He didn't want to hear it.

****

**_You deserve what HE did to you.He was showing you what the whole world knew but refused to tell you._ **

Louis only curled in the bed, throwing the blades to the floor.

 

 _A younger Louis was running as fa_ s _t as he could. He knew what HE would do._

_"Come here, disgusting twink!" a much more taller male that had little to none resemblance to Louis yelled at him. "You'll have it worse."_

_Louis only swerved and started throwing everything at arms reach to the floor, trying to make an obstacle course._

_The taller older man got fed up and walking calmly towards the blue eyed boy curling into the end of the hallway, he grabbed him by the hair._

_Louis only whimpered, knowing better than to make a verbal interjection._

_"You've been naughty and what do naughty boys get?"_

_Louis didn't want to answer, he didn't want the outcome to happen again._

_The man's hand came flying and made a harsh contact with Louis' face._

_He didn't even try to craddle his face, knowing it would be useless._

_Again, the man grabbed him and slapped his other cheek._

_Louis could feel and taste the blood on his mouth._

_"Answer me, sweetie. What do they get?" He started squeezing the boy's cheeks._

_"T-they get p-punished." Louis' words were barely a whisper._

_"That's right. Now, you know what to do."_

_Louis bit his inner cheek and swallowed the bile that threatened to rise and get out of his mouth._

_Walking forward, he got on his knees. His hands coming to reach at the button of the jeans and sliding down the zipper._

_He looked up, his eyes pleading- to stop._

_The man only looked at him and sliding his thumbs under the waistband of his briefs, pushed his head further into him._

Louis kept curling himself tighter around himself.He screamed on the pillow, wanting to somehow stop the constant pain.

 

The pain of more than probably losing his lover, the pain of reliving that again.

 

His lips were starting to get a shadowy blue tint, whilst his face was a bright red.

 

His chest burned at the lack of air, but he couldn't do more than to claw at it.

 

He wanted to disappear, to burst into flames right there and just disintegrate, because this was too much.

 

And he's drowning in this metaphorical sea where the waves are hands that just keep pulling him back down and  drag him deeper into those memories.

 

He's so weak, he just can't cope with all of it at once.

 

He's panicking; well, more than a few seconds ago, because he can't breathe.

 

And shit,shit,shit on a fucking stick.

 

He tries to remember what he used to do all those years ago, but it's in vain. Rather, all that it did was uncover more repressed memories.

 

Louis closed his eyes tightly,trying to fucking block out those fucking horrible things.

 

He thinks of Adam, how they have always calmed each other down.

 

He imagines Adam laying beside him, letting him cry, scream and claw at the man, all the while holding him tightly in a way he would wake up with a few pale bruises the next morning.

 

So, he wraps his arms around himself,up to the point of mild pain and claws at wherever his fingernails catch on.

 

Louis' mind is working overtime and finally - a lifetime later - shuts down.

 

+

 

The next morning Louis wakes up. His head thinks it okay to throb like an African instrument, while his mouth is as dry as sandpaper.

 

He blinks his eyes warily, and pained; the sunlight streaming through the cheap curtains increasing the headache.

 

Louis tries to suppress last night's memory of what happened. He didn't need to do it, he still had his fingers shaking- as always after one of his attacks.

 

Getting up slowly, his mind was worn out to a point of no belief;he avoided watching his reflection on the broken stained mirror at the other side of the room.

 

Though,his red swollen eyes closed a second too late;he'd seen the raw claw marks on his arms.And he didn't want to imagine how the rest of his upper half looks like.

_I can't be here anymore, I don't want another one._

 

He retrieved everything quickly, including the blades thrown stray across the carpet.

 

Walking out, he slammed the door.

 

_The door is closed and everything bad and wrong stayed there, trapped between the walls._

 

 

 


	10. //Chapter 8✨

 

_I spend every hour just going through the motions,_

_I can't even get the emotions to come out._

**_What Now // Rihanna_ **

-

 

 

The boys were exhausted, but not as much as their security team.

They knew this could risk their jobs. 'Cause really? A security team trained for years with even more years of experience let a small high-pitched pop-star outrun them like that? They looked and felt like fools. Not to mention the doubt it would create about their own capacity- imagine what a group of hysterical teenage girls could do?

So yeah,you could say that the worry outweighed the exhaustion.

The team dismissed the boys, after they called Management to inform them of the current situation.

 

+

 

Harry walked through the seemingly empty and lifeless flat. It made his eyes sting even more than the cold harsh wind.

He dropped his bag by the counter and toed his shoes off.

With pursed lips,he trekked up the stairs. Harry had opened the bedroom door;expecting to be faced with an empty and cold bed.

To say he was surprised was an understatement. He saw Louis curled up on the bed. It was filled with sheets and pillows that threatened to swallow him.

He bit his inner cheek, trying to keep his calm. He knew his emotions would get the best of him.

Harry got rid if the painted black jeans on his legs and got under the covers.

He saw the way Louis curled even more into himself; he had to swallow hard to try to get rid of the strange lump in his throat.

Knowing he had to be careful with his actions - it didn't take a Harvard degree to know that his lover is in a very vulnerable state; his fingertips ghosted over Louis' cheeks. Louis flinched, and yeah okay, let's pretend that didn't completely dislodged Harry's heart and burned it in acid.

"Louis?" It came out as a barely there whisper, you had to strain your ears to hear it.

Louis was facing the wall and staring at it blankly.He didn't even bother to acknowledge him.

"Lou?" Harry said with a little more force than before. He sighed inaudibly, he had to take matters into his own hands this time.

Harry grabbed his forearm softly (pointedly ignoring Louis' flinching) and turned him around.

Now, Harry wasn't met with Louis' back, instead with his profile.

Louis refused to acknowledge him.He kept his eyes glued to the roof.

"Baby, can you l-look at me?" Harry's voice cracked. "Please."

Louis only blinked.

Harry grabbed his hands and started to kiss each knuckle; giving more attention to his pinky- the one holding a very special ring.

In his head, he was deflating with relief. So, he hadn't fucked everything up, he could fix it.

Louis tensed slightly, he didn't like at the moment a physical contact.

"I-I'm sorry." Harry breathed.

"Why are you sorry? I was the stupid one,really.I knew the plan and should've expected it sooner or later." Louis- much to Harry's chagrin- still hasn't turned to face him.

"F-for making you think I d-don't love you, for ignoring you, for h-hurting you, for hurting you even more by not telling you what was going down on the interview." Harry wrapped his arms around Louis' middle as if afraid that Louis was going to storm out again.

Louis finally lowered his eyes to meet Harry's glossy ones. He stayed quiet, wanting to hear everything the curly one wanted to get out.

"I love you, okay? I know I've been a downright asshole ignoring you; I was hurt," _Still am_. "You don't trust me enough to believe that it wouldn't change the way I see you, to believe that I'll be with you. I guess I just wanted you to feel a little hurt too, like I was."

"Ignoring me, it's a very easy task isn't it?" Louis stated with very glassy eyes.

" _Don't_. Don't even say that, these days have been hell for me.I haven't been able to sleep without you beside me. All the time I spent doing what Management set us up to do, I was thinking of you; of how I'd be over the three galaxies over and back about showing you off to the world like you deserve to - not being what you told me you thought you were to me. You're _not_ a closeted trophy." Louis has never heard Harry speak with so much firmness and conviction about him, of what he means to the other man.

"I'm not the best person with words, yet I try. And I know that in this following months it's only going to get more harder and the only way we can pull through is with _communication_." Harry finished his speech with a pointed look.

"Haz, love, I don't tell you not because I don't trust you; but because I-I can't say those words out loud" _I wouldn't stand seeing the regret and disgust in your eyes_. "- much less to someone I love and loves me back. I wouldn't want to hurt you," _This isn't the real me, I'm sorry_. "please don't take this the wrong way.

Hell,maybe one day I will; just not now, I really can't." Louis's eyes begged for forgiveness and patience. _Though I really shouldn't get your hopes up, god knows I'd rather pull my teeth one by one before doing that._

Harry's mind only flashed with an alert sign; for Louis to be so set on not talking about it and thinking it would hurt them it's got to be something big. So,even though he wanted to pull the string of words out of Louis' mind right then, he felt a little reassured that Louis is planning to someday tell him whatever it is.

"I-I'm s-sorry, I'm s-sorry" Louis stuttered out.

Harry only tightened his grip on Louis in even more and started shushing him. "Shh, it's okay we're both sorry. Now, we're going to move on from this. We're LouandHaz, we always do and always will,okay?" Harry kissed Louis' forehead,his cheeks and lips.

He hummed when Louis started responding to his touches.

Louis was trembling slightly, yesterday's flashbacks were still too fresh on his mind.

He was having an internal struggle; he didn't want to be touched in that way after being reminded of what he did to him, he felt dirty, something better not worth touching; yet, for the same reasons he wanted Harry to erase them all from his skin and make him feel wanted and loved.

He closed his eyes, finally making his mind up.

 _Erase them all._

+

 

After Harry's quote on quote - _lovemaking_ -, or without the finesse _make-up sex_ ; he fell asleep with Louis cradled to his chest.

The same couldn't be said by the short one.

He untangled himself from Harry's body and took with him one of the sheets; leaving the rest with Harry.

The house had several bathrooms.Calling it an exaggeration would be putting it lightly; considering only two people live there.

Naturally, Louis picked the one farthest to the bedroom where his goofball laid.

Throwing the sheet carelessly to the floor, he stepped in the roof to floor glass shower. He set it on the _almost but not quite_ hottest setting.He wasn't _that_ stupid, blisters and irritable red skin would follow him for days if did that.

That goes hand in hand with Harry and their 'make up', so the next few days there would be little to none clothing.

Harry would question him and no thanks.

Louis stared at his reflection in the mirror for the first time that day.

His eyes traveled and traced each claw mark, hickey and bruise on his body.

He could tell which ones he caused them himself and which ones Harry made. Harry covered most of them but there's no denying of the even more tender skin below.

He looked pointedly at the bruises in his lower half and couldn't help but feel the wave of unwavering disgust on his body.

**_How can you transfer your filth into Harry and not feel an inch of remorse? Knowing how you're tainting him and ultimately fucking him up._ **

**_How do you expect for him to find someone who deserves him, when your disgrace is crowded upon his skin? No one would spare him a glance._ **

Louis whimpered and re-focused on the now fogged up bathroom. His reflection now couldn't be seen, except for the blur of colors that made up his body.

He stepped into the shower, head on.

The water burned his back and everything it came in direct contact with.

He curled up on the corner of it, the hot vapor flushing his skin more deeper.

Louis grabbed the body wash and started scrubbing at his skin roughly and with a purpose.

He wanted to erase the man's touches that only made him feel dirty.If he could, he would peel away -as one would peel a potato- his skin; exposing the clean layer of it- the _untouched_ one.

It was all too hard,he started sobbing when he realized that no amount of hard scrubbing would accomplish that.

He doesn't exactly remember how long he stood under that spray of water.All he knows is that the water was starting to run cold when he finally made a move to get of it.

Drying himself off and with the towel wrapped around his waist, he walked to the bedroom again.

Standing in the middle of the room, he stopped and admired Harry.

The moonlight coming through the open blinds gave Harry's skin an ethereal glow. The prominent black ink contrasted even more than usual - _my god, does he look beautiful_.

His curly indigo curls fanned out on the white pillow creating a halo.

And if Louis needed anymore confirmation on how Harry's actually an angel, that was it.

Louis snapped out of it, realizing that if Harry woke up in that instant he would be creep-ed out. Y'know with all those dark shadows and scary movies.

He dropped the towel and steeped into the bed.

"Hmph, where did you go?" Harry's sleepy voice saluted him. "It was cold without you."

 _Goddamn him and his cuteness! Fuck_.

"Shh, I just went to take a shower." Louis answered resting his head on his pillow.

"And you di-didn't take me with you?" Harry's question was interrupted by yawns.

"You just looked too beautiful, now shush and come cuddle me." he tugged Harry's hand from behind him and put it over his waist.

Even though it was Louis the one who was usually the bigger spoon, Harry took his place this time.

With a last peck on Louis' neck, he fell asleep.

After minutes of battling himself, Louis did the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shittiness. I honestly didn't like how it came out.
> 
> Anyways, hope I didn't let you down on any expectations you had for this update.
> 
> Feedback?
> 
> : )  
> -  
> Btw, I started posting the story on Wattpad; my friend is doing a Spanish translation for me too. Check it out!


	11. //Chapter 9✨

 

 _I don't care, go on and tear me apart_  
_I don't care if you do, ooh_  
_'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars_  
_I think I saw you._

_**Sky Full Of Stars// Coldplay** _

 

-

 

"Haz?" Louis questioned from his space on the other side of the couch.

"Hmm," Harry looked up from the sheets he was reading through.

"Get ready, we're going out."

 

//

 

After a thousand questions from the green eyed beau and a thousand one cryptic answers from Louis; they finally arrived.

It was a place very well hidden between the tall piqued trees and sharp slopes.

"H, hold on a little more tighter, don't want to explain how you got your head split in two."

Louis got in first, placing his feet on the ground and checking the light filtered cave.

"C'mon." he said popping his head out and offering his hand again to Harry.

Harry stepped through the uneven ground with clumsy feet.

Thank fuck Louis was steadying him.

"Wow." Harry's eyes drank the view up, it was truly beautiful.

It was a [cave](http://casipolitica.com/fotos/3ebb732709_e.jpg) giving a perfect view of the sky.

The walls were coated with natural sculptures, some with growing wild weed twined in it.Some flowers grew in between some of the leaves giving it a more delicate look.

A sea was close enough to feel the waves,taste the salt yet it was mixed with a musty smell; the combination of the two creating humid atmosphere.

Louis grabbed the basket filled with food and blankets.

He turned around and was faced with a delighted awestruck Harry crashing into an embrace. "It's beautiful here!" Harry gave him a kiss in the cheek.

"Not as beautiful as you,love."

_Cheesy enough?_

Harry blushed and bit his lip.

"Shut up." Louis only chuckled and smiled.

Pulling his hand along, he settled the blankets on the the damp floor and sat down.

The blankets contrasted the otherwise muddied grey with force.

Harry laid his head on Louis' thigh, looking at him through his lashes. "You're ethereal."

It was said in a quiet mesmerized hush, obviously not intending for Louis to hear him.

Louis averted his gaze and gave a shy smile, pointedly ignoring the harsh blush on his cheeks. "Someone ate a dictionary."

Harry rolled his eyes and turning his head, he nuzzled the thigh he was using as a pillow.Louis couldn't resist the urge to run his dainty fingers through the wild mane.

Harry purred and rubbed his cheek softly across the sweater's soft wool; his head moving closer, he really didn't want the fingers to stop.

"You're such a kitten." leaning down he pecked Harry's forehead. Harry grumbled.

Louis opened the flaps of the basket and started to grab the fruits. He put the strawberry on Harry's lips. "Open up, darling."

The pair of sinful pink lips opened and bit down on it; the juice of it staining Louis' fingers. Which, _of course_ , couldn't go to waste.

So, Harry started lightly sucking at them while looking at him in the eyes.

The atmosphere had changed from easy and playful to heady and sensual.

It continued like that for a few more times until Harry grabbed one and reciprocated the action.

"Mmm, sweet." Louis' tongue swiped over the remnants of juice.Harry couldn't stop himself as he leaned up on his elbows and kissed him; sucking and biting softly but with fervor the bottom lip.

The kiss grew stronger when Louis responded pressing his fingertips on Harry's middle.

Harry started to trail down Louis' neck and collarbones, sucking and biting in all the right places.

Louis moaned softly and stopped Harry's hands from wandering inside the jumper. He breathlessly said - "No.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Harry drew away and tilted his head. "Why? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry! I didn't mea-"

"No! Shh, kitten you didn't do anything wrong. I just want to cuddle with you."

"Really? You're not lying?" Harry tilted his head further and looked from under his eyelashes. His eyes glinted with the clarity slipping through the roof hole.

_Bollocks, how does he manage to look so fucking innocent? Seconds ago he was ready to rip my clothes out._

"No, I'm not, you know I don't like lying." Louis' eyes shined with a hidden pain.

Harry gave him a sad smile,misunderstanding the double meaning in the words. "Okay."

He grabbed Louis' forearm and dragged him to the floor with him.

Louis curled up around Harry; who wanted to see his face, so Harry turned around and faced blue eyes. He threw his hand around Louis' waist and pulled him closer.

Louis intertwined their legs and interlocked their fingers. "It's not your fault."

"I know, but that still doesn't make me feel any better.What if you get fed up with this endless cycle of lies and leave me? What if you find someone better, someone who can love you better,like you deserve- freely?"

Little did Harry know, the same questions ran around as a synchronized shuffle in Louis' mind constantly.

"Love, this hard for the both of us but it's not something we'd willingly accepted, we're bounded to those fucking contracts of those fucking pricks. We signed their contract without knowing that we'd be giving so much away, but still, it's not your fault. They knew how excited and naive we'd be and they exploited it."

"I don't want to hear you blame yourself, okay?" Louis kissed his forehead and cuddled closer.

//

_"There's no religion that could save me; no matter how long my knees are on the floor."_

The seconds turned to minutes that then turned into hours.

For them, time was thick sweet honey sliding in languid heavy movements.

They swayed their bodies softly to the beautiful song.

_"So, keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making to keep you by my side; to keep you from walking out the door."_

Louis lowly sang the words coming from the tiny speaker on his phone. He could feel Harry's lips stretched out into a smile and kissing his neck- where he had hid his face in some time ago.

Harry's fingers were thumbing circles at his waist while Louis' were carding through the curls at the nape of his neck.

_"Cause there'd be no sunlight; if I lose you, baby;"_

Louis kissed Harry's cheekbone and murmured into the skin-

_"There'd be no clear skies if I lose you, baby; just like the clouds my eyes will do the same."_

Harry tightened his arms around Louis' waist.

 _"If you walk away, everyday it'll rain,rain,ra-a-aiin."_  

Harry started to mouth along to the lyrics in Louis' skin; imprinting them there.

_"I'll never be your mother's favorite; your daddy can't even look me in the eye, ooh."_

_"If i were in their shoes I'd be doing the same thing, saying there goes my little boy (girl) walking with that troublesome guy."_

_"But they're just afraid of something they can't understand, ooh but little, my little watch me change their minds;_ _"_

A deep voice blended in with the lighter, more fragile voice.

_"Yeah, for you I'll try,I'll try, try, try, try-y; I'll pick up this broken pieces till' I'm bleeding if that'll make it alright."_

_"Don't you say goodbye,don't you say goodbye; I'll pick up these broken pieces till' I'm bleeding if that'll make it right."_  

The singer's words fell into the background when they locked eyes and entered their own world.

Regardless of all the time they've been together, they always manage to block everything else beside each other like a couple in the honeymoon phase.

"I love you."

"I love you so fucking much." said Louis squeezing their intertwined fingers.

"Never leave me?"

_As if I could ever manage to do so._

"Never."

//

 

"God, I've never heard someone with such a terrible pitch! Fucking hell, again, let's do it again, from the top!" the replacement voice coach exclaimed and then murmured- "And this is what people call singing? Rogue cats sound better."

 _"_ _Goddammit! What is wrong with you? Did you swallow a whistle?"_

_"Really? You think that voice with that pitch is gonna sell?"_

_"Are you a transgender? Don't answer that I already know the answer - yeah, you are. No man could ever have that voice, much less such a curvy body!"_

_"Jesus fucking Christ, your voice makes me think nails scratching a chalkboard are angels actually singing."_

_"You think you have a nice voice? That's nice. I thought I was going to shag Brad Pitt one day, thanks to my great sex appeal and no such thing. My point being that a personal opinion on yourself is bullshit. Quit dreaming! Your voice is too damn weak for any male singer._ "

Louis has always been really insecure of his place in the band; it's hard not to be.

Ever since he could remember people always told him he didn't know how to sing, he couldn't sing. The boys' reassurance of his place on the band placated him sometimes. Though, it hurts hearing the way a professional who's been on the business much longer than him doesn't think he's enough.

He's been slaving over his voice for years and years and years.

Countless methods,tricks, tips, recipes, pills, sleepless nights/days.

And, fuck. Just when he was starting to believe he was finally _adequate_ , better and did in fact _win his place in the band_ ; this happens.

The utter disappointment in himself weighs his chest down.

He's never good enough to do something, to live a dream.

Then, it turns to anger at himself.

He should've tried _harder_ , he should've _pushed_ , he should've _researched more._

The weight on his chest gets heavier the more he chasties himself.

It feels like a hand that's starting to squeeze his lungs.

His mind flashes to something that'll take it away.

He wasn't shocked at the idea that made its presence known. He's had it many times, the more frequent they become- the more tempting they are.

The thoughts were transforming into a film.

A cold relentless blade dragging across his skin, the sting, the rivulets of bloo-

_Fuck! What the hell! Again? No.No. I can't do it, I won't do it. I promised Adam._

He closes his eyes and re-focuses on the mic standing in front of him.

 _"...The glamour, the fortune, the fame..."_  

 

+

 

2 months later, he still carried the weight around.

No one noticed, he had perfected everything to know how to fake happiness.

He smiled, took pictures, goofed around.

It wasn't such a burden because he usually distracted himself with other things; more so when the thoughts came again.

Well it was fine, it _worked_ , emphasis on the past tense.

While Louis has been perfecting more and more the character he plays for the world, Harry's been slipping away.

He's always on his phone texting or talking to someone - _Kerri_.

And Louis is only human, he's stayed at the sidelines and acting as if never noticed, never knew; but he got fed up with it.

Everytime he tried to breach the topic Harry either ignored him or just waved him off.

So, Louis did the same thing to the situation at hand- wave it off.

That is until, he needs Harry's comfort desperately.

His anxiety has been reaching sky high levels with everything going from- Adam's health, the upcoming tour, maintaining the facade, slaving over his voice, fighting with Zayn and Liam, the vultures (Management) on his back, and _the cherry on top_ his relationship with Harry.

Obviously, he organized things in priority and which one could be solved faster.

His relationship with Harry was _a top priority_ , second to Adam.

He went to him boneless and tired. His skin was beginning to pale along with the dark bags under his eyes beginning to pronounce themselves.

"H, can I talk to you?"

"Hmm?" Green eyes stayed glued to the bright retina screen of his phone.

"And I don't know,maybe, look at me while your at it?"

Harry hummed and chuckled at whatever appeared on his phone.

Louis lurched forward and snatched the phone off his hands.

"What the fuck?!" Harry yelled.

"Pay attention to me, for fuck's sake! I've been trying to talk to you for weeks!"

_I need you, please._

"Well, what are you doing right now? Your lips are moving and there's no one else but me here,so you surely must be talking to me." Harry hissed. "Hurry, I have stuff to do."

_Fucking cunt, fuck you._

Louis glared hard at him.

"You know what? Forget it. Don't want to interrupt your oh-so serious business with my bullshit."

Slamming Harry's phone on the coffee table, he stood up and left.

//

The word pissed doesn't do justice to what he's feeling right now.

His short legs pushed forward at a fast pace.

He needed a smoke.

Louis began to light the fag before even stepping out the entrance.

Resting his back against the cold brick wall, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

"Take it easy." said a voice, chuckling.

_He could recognize that voice anywhere.Zayn._

Opening his eyes,he looked at the dark skinned man through tired eyes.

The hazel eyed man pulled Louis into his embrace.

He sagged against him, he hadn't realized how starved of affection he'd been.

"I'm sorry." he whispered against Zayn's white shirt.

"Shh, it's okay. It's in the past."

Louis stepped out of the embrace, remembering the lit fag resting on his fingers.

Inhaling less frantic now, he exhaled; his eyes tracing the way the smoke unfurled and danced in the air.

Offering it to Zayn, he leaned his head on Zayn's forearm.

After taking a few swings at it, "Wanna go on an adventure?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...  
>  Hope you liked it!  
> Check out the story on Wattpad.  
> Anyways, leave comments and kudos to know your thoughts on it!  
> Take care,  
> \- T : )


	12. // Chapter 10✨

 

 _So, I put my faith in something unknown_  
_I'm living on such sweet nothing,_  
_But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold._

**_Sweet Nothing // Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch_ **

 

-

 

_(2 Months Later)_

So far, the make up sex has been ace.

Something about that makes Louis restless; Why so much make up sex? Why are they fighting so constantly?

No matter how hard he tried, there was always this underlying tension between them - something not being acknowledged.

He started to notice certain things when it came to their relationship compared to the _Karry_ ( as the media 'lovingly' dubbed them).

Harry was very forgetful and straight out _not giving a shit_ about their relationship.

Yet, when it came to the black haired woman he knew everything up to specifics; hell, Louis wouldn't be surprised if Harry knew the damn coordinates of the place.

Which led them to their current debacle:

"Why the fuck are you in fucking America?!" Louis screamed. "On one of the few free days we have? With her?!"

"Because I fucking wanted to! I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

"You bloody wanker! You have the rest of the fucking year to go there, why now?!"

"Because she fucking needed me, alright?! Because I can do whatever the fuck I want." Harry roared on the line. "I don't need to give you a damn briefing of everything I do!"

Louis took a deep breath, both of them screaming it would only worsen things.

"Do you know what the fuck today is?" Louis calmly inquired.

_Tell me you do, tell me you fucking do._

He was met with silence.

"Do you?"

The silence carried on.

A scoff came from the back of his throat, "Why does it still surprise me?"

He pushed the lump down, "It's the day you gave me a promise ring, remember? We've planned this shit for years. Oh, right why am I even saying this? That woman is clearly more important than our relationship."

"Sorry for bothering you, don't worry. I won't let the tickets go to waste." Taking the phone off his ear, he took a shaky breath. "And Harry, I'm sorry you could ever think I want to control you."

He hung up the call not bothering to hear whatever bullshit Harry was about to say.

Tossing the phone carelessly, he got up and climbed down the stairs.

Facing upwards, the bright retina started flashing.

_(Leaving the phone that day is something that'll hunt him forever.)_

 

//

 

Louis went downstairs to one of the many offices littered around the flat.

Opening one of the tiny glass cabinets, he picked various liquor bottles.

He shrugged a grey hoodie balled up in the corner of the couch.

Louis grabbed the keys off the counter and got in the car.

"Damn you, damn her, damn them, damn everything!" he yelled hitting the steering wheel.

His hands were shaking; he was _that_ mad.

He refused to acknowledge that the real reason for his reaction was the hurt burning his insides. Because he knew, he fucking knew how important these dates were to Louis; it was one of the few things they were allowed in their damn relationship and as if that weren't enough it was because of her.

Louis grabbed one of the bottles when he reached a red light.

Opening it, he took heavy gulps of it; relinquishing on the fiery sensation making its path down his throat.

His eyes stung but no tear made its escape.

When the light flashed green, he pushed down the accelerator.

 

//

 

"What?! You forgot? What the hell is wrong is you?!" Zayn shouted into the phone. "I don't give a damn. Save your bullshit excuse for someone who wants to hear it!"

_"I'm sorry.I-I'm so sorry. God, you can scream at me as long as you want. Just, please, please check on him. I've tried calling him and he won't fucking answer!"_

"I don't blame him; if I were in his place I would do the same."

 _"It's my fault, I know I fucking know, alright?"_   Harry sounded so defeated that it hurt but Zayn didn't care. He needed to make a point.

"Glad to know you're finally learning to take responsibilities for your damn actions." Zayn's voice contained enough venom to kill a person. "He's too good for you; why he loves _you_ out of all people I'll never know."

_"I've always known that; I don't deserve him."_

"I knew you had some brain somewhere in that skull." The broody boy started to cut some slack. "Look, I know I'm being harsh but Harry this needs to stop. Having so much constant fights isn't healthy for a relationship; especially yours. You never fight.Harry,get your shit together.If not for yourself, for him. He loves you."

_Don't break him, please._

Harry stayed silent and then breathed, "Okay."

Zayn hung up and sighed heavily.

He hadn't notice that the volume of his voice had woken the other person in the bed.

So, when he got out of it, a blonde figure groaned and stirred. "Where' you going?"

"Louis needs me, go to sleep."

"Wha' happened? Is he alright?" the Irish accent stronger in the owner's drowsy state.

"I'd hope so," the raven haired boy frowned. "Y'know he can work himself into a right state."

"Go, time's a ticking, love. Call me if you need anything."

Zayn gave him a ghost of a smile; and with those same lips kissed Niall's forehead.

 

 //

 

 _Damn. It's cold.The twat better be with a warm jumper_.

The raven haired man thought while shivering; his hands digging deeper into the coat.

_I swear I'll have both of their arses if Louis so much catches a cold._

He kept his head low, trying to avoid the cold wind biting at his already pink cheeks.

Looking through his eyelashes,he made out a bundled figure on the edge of the secluded parking lot.

He walked more swiflty hoping that it wasn't him mistaking Louis for some mugger or something along those lines.

Which was something okay to assume or consider giving that the building wasn't the most safest place either. In fact, he feels anxious but relieved at the thought of the place being too bare of people.

Minutes later, he could make out the figure up close.

"Lou?"

The blue eyed man tilted his head, looking at him through the smoke unfurling on his lips and nodded.

Zayn sighed and sat on the ledge.

He stayed quiet and surveyed his surroundings.

He could hear the cars racing down the highways, see the bright neon lights blurring together and contrasting beautifully with the dark sky and taste the pollution and smoke in the air.

After a few more minutes of silence, he heard Louis' voice.

"He's going to leave me,isn't he?" Eyes blank and his words slurred. "They all do; why would he be an exception?"

Zayn tilted his head, "Because anybody can see how much you need each other; beacuse you love him and he loves you."

Louis laughed bitterly and puffed the last of the cigarette. "Funny way of showing it; fucking off to her."

"He's slipping away,Z. No matter how _hard_ I try to keep him close, he pulls away to go with her.I'm lo-osing him." Louis' voice cracked without his consent. "It hurts so much and I'm trying so hard. Where am I going wrong? Why am I not good enough?"

Zayn could feel Louis was losing whatever sort of hold on his thoughts and more so, his emotions.

"Why can't he love me as much as love him? Why do I keep hanging on to something that isn't real? Why am I here?"

The words made him alert on instinct; a re-aknowledgement of where they were perched on assaulted his mind.The hazel eyed man gathered him on his arms.

"Don't you dare _ever_ say that again.You're still here here because you need to be here.Every one of us needs you. He's being an asshole and anyone can see that. It's not your fault; a relationship isn't one sided.Love, any person would feel blessed and honored if you so much gave them a side gla-"

"Shh." Louis muttered. "Please, I-I can't think like that. I love him too much."

Zayn pursed his lips and inaudibly sighed.

 _This isn't going to end well, if it ever does. I really hope I'm wrong_.

Silence draped over them like a heavy blanket. A warm, comforting one.

"How y'knew I'd be here?" Louis asked burrowing closer to the warmth, minutes later.

"I just guessed and hoped you were here." he answered laying his head on top of the one that was on the hollow of his neck. "I know how much you love trouble."

Zayn chuckled when Louis hit his chest lightly, grumbling at him

_** Flashback **_

_"Wanna go on an adventure?" Zayn inquired._

_"Sure, as long as you don't forget the backpack, Dora." Louis teased smirking._

_Zayn rolled his eyes and murmured,"Wanker."_

_Arching a perfectly groomed eyebrow, Louis inquired, "I'm sorry, what was that?"_

_The Great Mesiah ignored him and slung his arm around the petite frame. "You,my friend, need a breather and I know the perfect thing and place to do so."_

_Louis squinted his eyes; evaluating the proposal._

_"Fuck it, let's go."_

_-_

_After bullshitting security, Zayn led them to his flat._

_"Umm,not that I don't like visiting your flat, but what the fuck are we doing here?" Louis crossed his arms._

_"When you see where we're going, you'll understand." The other man answered, unlocking the front door._

_"Now, get your pretty little arse in the shower; I'll look for the clothes."_

_-_

_"No.Abso-fucking-not.Hell, not even in your fucking wildest dreams!" Louis chided, standing with a towel; wet after the shower. "What the fuck? Why would I need to wear tha- Wait, no. Why in the world would you own that?!"_

_"That's not important; but what is, it's you wearing that." Zayn calmly strutted up to him. "Besides, don't act all horrified at this," he held up the lace lingerie between his thumb and index finger , "when I know that what you and H get up to is worse."_

_Louis' skin took a red hue._

_Biting his lip, he took it and glared at Zayn; dropping his towel._

_He caressed the fabric softly and started dressing himself fast but with care- the fabric is very fragile and he doesn't want to tear it._

_He would deny it to death if someone asked him, but he fell in love with it._

_The way it feels against his skin.The way it contrasts with his tan skin, the white design.The way it makes him feel, makes him look._

_Even though some part of him was blushing at the fact that some 'ex-lover' -a term he's using very lightly- is seeing him in a way only his current one has seen him in_ _._

_Another loved the attention someone was gifting him with. The one, his current lover wasn't giving._

_He heard Zayn clear his throat._

_Snapping his head up, blue met hazel._

_Hazel eyes stepped forward and touched one of the garter straps. "Can I?" he murmured._

_Louis looked at him through wary hooded eyes._

_He nodded._

_The Adonis adjusted the straps till' they fit right where they should be._

_Caressing his hip, he nodded and walked away. "I'll take a shower while you finish dressing; after that we're leaving."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Sorry for the late(?) update, I've been having some problems with my emotions and being able to get them through the story.  
> This isn't my favorite nor my best chapter; I'm hoping that the next one will come out so much better.  
> Hope this somehow meets your expectations of how the update would've been.  
> I'm rambling,aren't I?  
> Anyways, hearing you guys' thoughts on the story gave me a push to update; so, it would be very lovely of you guys kept at it.
> 
> P.S // I re-wrote something very important on Ch.4, please check it out. It's something subtle but very important.
> 
> All the love, T. x : )


	13. // Chapter 10 (P.2)✨

 

_I am fire gasoline,  
Come pour yourself all over me._

**_Stay the Night // Zedd ft. Hayley Williams_ **

  
_//_  


 

_Louis doesn't remember the name of the club; except that it sounded exotic and foreign._  
_That and of course, it was underground._  
_Perfect really, given their status._  
_Blue, white, red and green neon pannels flashed all over the place._  
_The place seemed to have its own heartbeat; the bodies might as well be the blood causing it._  
_Yet, they weren't the things that stood out the most._  
_The neon poles levelled on a stage in the back of the room, earned the attention they received._  
_He turned sideways to face Zayn, "Is thi-?"_  
_Who cut him off, "Yeah, it's why I gave you those clothes."_  
_"Why would I ne-, really? You want me to pole dance?"_  
_Zayn shrugged, "Why not?"_  
_The short one glared."I have more than a few."_  
_He shrugged,"Besides,it's not like you're a stranger with the pole."_  
_Louis glared at him even more and walked to the secluded bar in the corner._  
_"Rum and coke, please.”_  
_Zayn rounded up to him and asked the same for himself._  
_Louis leaned against the counter, surveying the mass of people on the dancefloor._  
_The bodies moved as one unit.Everybody was in sync with the other._  
_"I'm gonna go talk to someone; Stay here."_  
_Louis rolled his eyes and waved him off._

  
_-_

_For all they both knew, hours could've been seconds._  
_After Zayn left Louis alone on the bar, the short one was inmediately pursued. His body swaying to the beat was attractive to the eye._  
_2 more cokes and rum._  
_Louis felt hands on his waist and grinded sensually against the man's crotch. He wasn't tipsy._  
_3 body shots._  
_He was really letting go, his mind had forgotten about his anger._  
_4 shots._  
_He was ready._  
_Stumbling to the bathroom, he collided with Zayn._  
_"There you are! Been looking everywhere for you, tosser."  Zayn rolled his eyes "It's gonna be our turn,so do whatever you came here for. I'll be outside the door."_  
_Louis took care of his business and washed his hands._  
_Splashing cold water on his face, he took note of how flushed he looked. Though, he wasn't shit faced; it was mild tipsyness._  
_He pinched his lips and cheeks, ruffled his hair in that post-sex way, making his appearance look even more edible._  
_In pure honesty, he looked truly fucked out; his glossy hazy eyes giving that final touch._  
_He walked out after giving one last glance at himself._  
_"You finished fucking your reflection?" Zayn grumbled handing him a water bottle._  
_"Wouldn't you love to know." He winked at him, taking swings at the bottle._  
_Zayn was transfixed on Louis' pronounced cheekbones and his overall appearance._  
_He looks absolutely beautiful, the crowd's going to eat him up - he thought._

  
_-_

_He walked up to the red one, Zayn took the one on the other side._  
_The music changed from fast angst-ridden fast tempo indie to sensual hip aching sensual underground/urban sound._  
_Louis locked eyes with Zayn; to later close them and let his body do the talking._  
_He molded with the pole._  
_It didn't look like something dirty and gritty, more so like an intricate movement of passions._ _He could hear all the hollers at the way his hips moved, his delicate movements, his way of melting into it._  
_Opening his eyes, he made out a figure he knew all too well._  
_One with a fit frame and curly hair._  
_One with green eyes watching his every movement with a dark intensity._  
_He swiveled his hips harder and slower, pronouncing every move._  
_Louis broke eye contact with him to look at one of the men in front._  
_Due to the lightning of the place, he could only make out certain aspects of his face.Though the little he could see,the man wasn't bad; he was quite fit,actually._  
_Louis winked and blew him a kiss._  
_The light haired man smirked and caught it.He made a motion with his fingers._  
_Louis' fingers lightly traced the hem of his white shirt and started lifting it up._  
_Thinking fuck it, Louis threw his shirt to the same man._  
_He felt the green eyes' gaze become even more intense and focused._  
_Louis bit his lip and started lowering his body- never stopping the grinding._  
_He looked at the crowd once again, now noticing his people come closer to the stage._  
_Sliding up agin, blue eyes searched for Zayn's._  
_When he finally managed to contact them, they communicated silently._  
_"Catch me." he mouthed to Harry, who had moved closer -almost to the foot of the stage-._  
_At the same time, they let go of the pole and started blending with the crowd._  
_He weaved through the crowd;  ignoring the catcalls and wolf-whistles and kept moving._  
_Few minutes later, he had hidden, breathless with laughter, in what appeared a 'room' with no walls, framed with neon pannels._  
_He felt hands wrap around his waist from behind and lips on his neck. "What do you think you're doing?"_  
_Louis turned around in his arms, "None of your business."_  
_"Baby, when you're involved it becomes my business."_  
_"How come?"_  
_"Darling, because you're mine."._  
_Louis trailed his lips down the column of Harry's throat. "So now I am?"_  
_Harry tightened his grip on Louis' hips. "What's that supposed to mean?"_  
_"You're only reacting like this because someone is giving me the attention you haven't,love." he whispered against his lips and detached himself before Harry could respond._  
_Taking a step backward and giving Harry his back, he made his way to the sweaty mass of people there._  
_He could barely hear Harry's shouts over the fast indie rock music once again playing._  
_He went to the bar again and ordered something strong._  
_Gulping it down quickly after it was served, he blended once again in the dancefloor._  
_Not wanting to be surrounded so heavily by people, he started walking towards the entrance._  
_Suddenly, he was thrown against a wall._  
_"I've been looking for you,lovely." said the man._  
_-Oh, great this keeps getting better and better.- Louis thought._  
_He put a quick smile to work. "Well, now you have me."_  
_"Here." the light haired man gave him the shirt._  
_"Oh." He had forgotten he was running around shirtless._  
_"Yeah, I just wanted to give you that." he scratched the back of his neck, "and say that you're really beautiful."_  
_Louis lifted his eyebrows and bit down a smile or a smirk (he's not sure of which one.)_  
_"Oh g-,fuck, I did not just say that." he faced palmed._  
_"Hey, no worries,yeah?" he smiled at him._  
_"Can you possibly,maybe, I don't know I-I'm not forcing you or anything, give me your number?"_  
_Louis chuckled, "Yeah, of course.Though, I'm in a relationship right now " and added under his breath "Well,think so."_  
_"Yeah,t-thanks.Can I do something?" he said while swapping phones and tapping numbers._  
_"Um,sure,mate."_  
_The unnamed man stepped forward and gave him a kiss on his neck._  
_Louis stood in shock._  
_"I,um,shit,sorry.I needed to get my friends off my back." he offered as an explanation, pointing a finger over where a group huddled stared in shock. "Sorry."_  
_"Um, no worries." he laughed his surprise off, "It's okay, better go brag about your accomplishment."_  
_The other hung his head and looked embarassed._  
_"Listen, I gotta go, but mind tellin' me your name?"_  
_"Luke."_  
_"See you later,maybe." he stepped forward and kissed the corner of his mouth, "for you to brag."_

_Winking, he turned around and crossed the dancefloor towards the hidden entrance._

  
_-_

  
_He was now walking the corridors towards his hotel room._  
_Louis' security had scolted him there- along with Zayn -  without forgetting the scold and reminder about how important it is to always have them with them._  
_You know,the usual._  
_Swiping his card, he opened the hotel door._  
_Before he could sigh, he found himself quickly pinned against the door._  
_"What the fuck?!" he exclaimed once he had recovered from the shock._  
_"The same question I'm asking myself.You've been acting like a whore." Harry's hands encased his head._  
_"Coming from you I'll take it as a compliment." Louis smarted him back._  
_"What's that supposed to mean?"_  
_"Don't come and throw that self-righteous prude act me. We both know that neither of us are the poster child for that. Besides, I imagine Luke wouldn't treat me this way." He slipped from Harry's arms to poise on the bed side._  
_"He's too sweet for that. He's got to be so kinky on the bed, y'know after all, the quiet ones are the kinkiest."_  
_Louis adopted this far - away look on his eyes._  
_He imagined Harry holding him down and doing all sorts of unholy things._  
_Of course that's not what Harry thought._  
_Harry crossed the room in long strides and bruised his lips with the force of the kiss._  
_"You want to act like a dirty whore? I'll treat you like one."_  
_Louis lifted his chin defiantly, he wouldn't give Harry the satisfaction. "I'd love to know how, I mean," His eyes travelled up and down Harry's figure and stopped on his crotch."He probably has it bigger." Louis' smile was ironic and condescient._  
_Harry gripped the back of his neck, smirking._  
_He cornered Louis into the wall and hitched a leg over his hip. Both of their crotches were aligned with each other._  
_His fingers traced Louis' figure with a hidden reverance_  
_Whipping the shirt off, he started devouring his collarbone._  
_His lips trailed down and took the rose bud in them, flicking his tongue._  
_Blowing air into the moistened skin, he let his fingers trail lower._  
_Louis bit his tongue and tried not to arch his back to Harry's mouth_  
_"I'll show you what my little dick can do." he breathed in Louis' neck._  
_Harry took off Louis' jeans and fingered the white lace. His arousal had divided and multiplied by ten.Louis looked absolutely entrancing in the neon lights but nothing could beat the up close and personal._  
_"It looks pretty, yeah?" Louis bit his lip. " I wanted to look the part for the public."_  
_Harry looked at him intensely, his eyes glassed over by lust, possessiveness and jealousy."You really like to play with fire."_  
_"Maybe I love the burn." His fingers attached to curly hair and pulled him towards him, kissing him roughly._  
_As the kiss grew desperate, so did Harry. He was torn between getting closer to Louis or pushing him deeper against the wall._  
_Louis hitched the leg in Harry's hip, higher._  
_Harry trailed his lips lower, sucking lovebites on his chest and tummy._ _He mouthed at the lace around Louis' hips and continued his earlier assault on his thighs._  
_Louis' moans came out unauthorized and willing to be free._  
_He whimpered when Harry let go of him to look for the lube._  
_Harry started sheding his own clothes._  
_Slicking himself up, he let out a moan. His cock finally getting attention._  
_He grabbed the back of Louis' thighs and set them on his waist._  
_Harry was aligning the head of his cock with Louis' hole when he was stopped. "No prep?"_  
_Louis' skin was already flushed and slick. He looked spent and they haven't even started._  
_"Since it's so small, you won't need it." with that said he pushed in- slow, he wasn't a beast._  
_Despite Harry's anger at Louis, he did not want to hurt him._  
_Giving a minimum of time, he started thrusting and building up a rhythmn._  
_He angled his hips so he could hit 'that spot that made Louis feel as if he were touching galaxies._  
_He knew he had succeded when he heard Louis' - " ah, ngh, y-yes,uh."_  
_Louis threw his head back, thumping it against the wall. "Y-yes, harder."_  
_He pulled on Harry's locks, trying to make him comply._  
_Harry obeyed but grabbed his wrists and pinned them up above his head._  
_Louis whined and whimpered. "Ha-Hazza."_  
_"Because you're such a cockslut, you'll come untouched." Harry whispered harshly._  
_At that, Louis tightened his legs around Harry's waist and moaned shallowly._  
_Harry sucked and bit Louis' exposed neck after a particularly harsh thrust made him throw his head back,again._  
_Louis was getting desperate, green eyes was using all of his sweet spots-neck,nipples, prostate- against him._  
_"I'll fill you up and you don't get to come 'till I tell you so."_  
_"Wh-What, ngh-are you going-yes,right there- to do,-yeah- if I do?" Louis breathelessly asked, his pleasure getting the best of him._  
_"You really don't want to know."_  
_"Please,Daddy?"_  
_Louis was all glassy and teary eyed, flushed skin, swollen lips pouted; paired with a wrecked high voice._  
_Harry bit down on Louis' shoulder when the coil snapped, releasing white hot pleasure._  
_Louis whined and clawed Harry's back harder._  
_(End of Flashback)_

//  
Louis returned to the present, blinking his eyes hard and reaching for the bottle. He brought it to his lips and tilted his head.  
Zayn promptly took it out of his hands after a rather long gulp. "Woah, buddy. Let's stop that."  
Louis pouted and crossed his arms.  
Zayn chuckled and ruffled his hair, "C'mon, let's go home."  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I'm so sorry for the delay, I haven't been feeling well lately and the smut scene (*cringes*) was being very difficult to write. I really hope you like it, the big bang of the story is going to happen soon; so prepare yourself.  
> Anyways, let me know your thoughts with kudos or comments.
> 
> -All the love, T. x
> 
> P.S // Thank you for actually taking time and reading this shitty story.


	14. //Chapter 11✨

_You see her when you close your eyes_  
_Maybe one day you'll understand why_  
_Everything you touch surely dies_

 

  
_**Let Her Go // Passenger**_

 

_-_

 

_"You can't catch me!" A younger Louis taunted his older brother, Adam._

_He ran around an open field with a thread twined around his fingers._

_A string needed to fly the kite in the air._

_The one Adam had been trying to assemble before Louis took the liberty to pick it up and run away with it._

_Adam had found a way to get out of the house and take Louis outside, so he could play like any other kid his age and have a hint of happiness before it happened._

_"Oh really?"_

_Louis squealed when he saw his brother closer to him and pushed his little legs faster._

_Louis saw a medium size boulder- well, big for his size,- and hid around it._

_His breathing was ragged but still giggles left his mouth. He peeked around both sides, trying to spot him._

_A few minutes later, he had let his guard down and started playing around with some of the wildflowers scattered around his feet and the string on his palm._

_He took a few of them in a carefully messy way only a child could manage and tied them with the white thread._

_Adam went behind him and spooked him._

_Louis yelled, and no, it definitely didn't sound like a deranged fangirl squeal._

_"Scared ya'?" Adam teased ruffling Louis' hair._

_The blue eyed boy glared and lifted his chin. "No, I'm a big boy."_

_"Sure, little star." He grabbed the poorly made bouquet. "What's this?"_

_"For mummy; she's been so mad and sad." said Louis with a tiny frown._

_Sensing that his brother was getting down, he decided to make this a game. "You're right. So, she can be happy again we need lots of them.The one that picks up the most gives them all to mummy."_

_Louis brightened at that and started going around picking and plucking them._

_Adam stayed rooted and watched as Louis moved around._

**_I'll always try my hardest to make him happy._ **

_A pebble hit him, snapping him out of it._

_"Stop being lazy!"_

_With a small smile, he knelt down and started doing the same as the blue eyed one._

 

//

 

"No! Stop,please!" Louis' screams thundered around the house. "Stop! Don't hurt him!"

Niall woke up in a start and ran towards the guest room where Louis was staying.

Distress and agony were the only words to describe the scene.

Louis' tossing, kicking and turning had left him trapped in the duvet surrounding him.

His facial features showed discomfort and for some reason, it was pleading.

The blue eyed lad got closer to Louis' figure and began to shake him, "Wake up, c'mon."

When, just as if it were perfectly timed, Louis let out an, "No!"; so wounded and agonized it could put the wolves' desperate howls to the moon in shame.

Niall began to shake him harder. "Wake up, for fuck's sake, wake up!"

Louis' eyes stayed closed, the only way of knowing he was awake was the way he curled in and on almost not perceptible movements, rocked himself. "I-I'm sorry, I tried, I tr-tried so hard but he was so st-strong, he always is. I was too weak and couldn't save them. I'm s-sorry."

His body resembled furious waves crashing against pillars with the violence sobs racked through him. "I failed, s-sorry,sorry, I'm so sorry."

Niall grabbed Louis' hands that were in a tight fist,his fingernails about to draw blood, and held them. "Shh, calm down, it was only a dream."

"They d-died, he fucking killed them; I saw him, I couldn't stop him."

Niall threaded his fingers through Louis' sweaty hair, trying to calm him down.

"Shh.Nothing happened, it was a nightmare, it wasn't real." His voice soft and soothing.

"It w-wasn't real? They're okay?" Louis' mind was foggy and completely convinced the film produced by it was real.

"No, it wasn't; they're okay."

Louis had calmed down a lot, considering his earlier state.

The only traces left were the tremor on his voice and the fearful way his eyes traveled across everything.

He closed his eyes and murmured, "It wasn't real, they're okay.", his voice dropping with each repeat of the phrase; until he fell asleep again.

Niall continued to watch Louis' form while still continuing with his earlier movements.

Minutes later, he felt the bed dip.

Startled out of his thoughts by the movement, he looked up and saw Zayn looking at Louis.

"Fuck." One of them murmured, voicing the thought running through both of them.

Zayn tilted his head to signal outside.

Niall squeezed his hands and dropped them, getting up carefully and walking towards the door.

He left the door slightly ajar, they were going to return anyways; hopefully before the next round of screams could be heard.

Zayn led the way and put some water to boil.

Niall sat on a stool in the counter and rested his forehead against the cold marble. "Fucking hell."

The raven haired man took a deep breath while running his palm along his face. "You got the idea."

Moments passed, each trying to conjure up their thoughts in a neat way.

The kettle began to whistle, so Zayn quickly took it of the stove and poured it into mugs."Ni?"

Who responded with a quick short grunt.

"I'll take it as a yes,then."And proceeded to flavor each one, as they preferred.

"He's been okay for such a long time; I mean, I had completely forgotten about the recurrent nightmares."

"Yeah, I remember those, they happened every night. It always woke me up with my heart up in my throat." Zayn replied, one of his fingers tracing the rim of his cup.

They stayed quiet for a few moments, each recalling the first months in the X- Factor.

"Harry better not fuck shit up. I don't want to see Louis falling into that pattern again."

"Do you think he could handle it?" The blonde spoke quietly.

"I really hope they go away and, well, I don't know; all he's said is that they're quite vivid and detailed."

"We need to help him in whatever we can."

"Of course, babe.''

The conversation faded away to a comfortable silence, merely disturbed by the sound of lips sipping the hot tea and running thoughts not uttered.

 

 

//

 

"I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do; he didn't make it."

That simple phrase echoed around his head.

All air left his lungs, he couldn't believe what the white coat clad man had said a few seconds ago.

Just as all pretenses of keeping calm were thrown out the window.

"No! You're f-fucking lying to me! Let me see him! No! No!" He shouted; his chest rising and falling rapidly.

Shoving the doctor aside, he pushed open the door and walked to the bed's side.

Everything in the room was quiet, no consistent beeping or an action/rom com movie playing on the telly in the corner.

More importantly, no voice mocking and laughing at the exaggerations of the effects of them.

No wide smile.

No grabby hands being made at his direction.

No hands full of tubes and vials squeezing him.

Instead he was met, with the stoic body of his brother.

"Sir, you need to calm down."

He threw himself at it, pushing the dark hair away from his forehead and kissing his temples. "It's going to be okay, you're okay,shh."

"Sir, step away; the patient is dead."

That made his anger skyrocket, he could still the warmth coming from his brother.

"He's alive, god damnit, do your fucking job and keep him alive!" His voice became more wild by the second.

He started trashing around the arms around him, "Don't fucking touch me!"

"It's your fucking job!"

Everything became sluggish and blurry."F-fuck yo-" 

The next thing he knows, everything's dark.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, poor Lou;  
> what do you think is going to happen now?
> 
> //
> 
> Fuck yeah, guys!  
> I could finally write something, *cue the music* I'll upload the other part of it tomorrow? Idk?  
> Thanks for all your lovely comments and being patient and ahgkhlgkj; really hoping that it somehow met your expectations for this update.  
> This was very hard for me to write, so feedback would be awesome.  
> Lots of love, x -T
> 
> //  
> As always, thanks for taking some of your time and reading this shitty story (-:


	15. // Chapter 12

_Everything is grey  
His hair, his smoke, his dreams_

**_Colors // Halsey_ **

 

-

He rested his head in the window, his gaze falling on the little bright dots below.

The plane was going to descend shortly, and still he hasn't felt anything.

He blinks hard as he feels another round of the pulsing headache.

Louis doesn't know anything, he's confused by everything.

_Why is he here? Why does he feel this intense feeling of dread weighing him down? Why does his chest feel so fucking heavy?_

At the same time, he knows the exact answers for each question.

_He's going to America because he signed away his life. His footing is lost, he's floating, doesn't know what to do. He can't believe what happened, has yet to cry a tear._

_Maybe_ that's _why he's fucking drowning in thin air._

Snapping out of the same questions that had been in repeat every single moment since he woke up from the hospital, he notices a flight attendant coming to his seat.

"Sir, we'll be descending shortly. Please, fasten your seat belt."

With a nod in her direction, he did as he was told and placed his head in its previous position.

A voice eerily similar to his old drama teacher popped up, "Character's brought to life in ..."

He tried not to dwell on it.

 

//

 

Louis was currently on the bathtub.

His thoughts, he quickly realized, were going to eat him alive.

He was unconsciously tugging at his hair and, well, it wouldn't come off as a surprise to him if a few strands ended up loose on his hands.

Though he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should really ought to turn on his phone but simply couldn't be bothered.

Or more like, he still hasn't got the excuse to use and hasn't contacted management to know with what version to go with.

Besides, it's not like when he does it he'll be able to use it. The phone will most likely spazz out, freeze and continue spazzing out while staying that way; all a cycle until it's battery dies and he plugs it in.

All of this because of the steady stream of notifications, texts and calls coming in waves after being MIA the day previous of the opening of the world tour.

But right now, all that's in his mind is disbelief.

_For fuck's sake, I talked to him before; he told me he was okay, that all the doctors were over the moon with the quick recovery._

_What the hell happened? Was this something that was being leading up to? Did he suffer a lot? Did he need me?_

_Fuck. I wasn't there for him._

 

 

//

 

The next day, he walks with his head down and hoodie pulled up into the venue.

Sensing some of the crew looking at him, he looks up and nods as a greeting. Louis blinks hard feeling something akin to needle stabbing on the back of his eyes.

The boys are all huddled up in one of the corners of the stage, speaking in hushed hurried voices and stop once one of them spots him and nudges the other ones.

He keeps walking until he's standing exactly where the security guards were going to be in the concert.

Suddenly, he's enveloped by miniature army and almost loses his footing.

Louis sighs and tries to grasp the feeling of comfort and just plain safe in their arms.

"Wow, mate. You look like shite."

"Thank you for the vote of confidence." he said rubbing his temple and stepping away.

He could feel the beginning of another round of headaches.

"Are you okay? You just left panicking and wouldn't answer any of our calls." Zayn asked looking at his eyes.

_He's always been a little harder to lie to; the fucker's too fucking observant._

"Yeah, and when we called your mom she didn't know of anything that could've made you go like a bat from hell."

"Woah, you guys called my mom?" Bewilderment filled Louis' voice. Sometimes he's caught off ward by the closeness they all have with each other's families.

_If they knew..._

He heard Liam scoff, "Of course we did, you know better than anyone how hard it is to trust The Vultures."

_Fucking hell, if all of you knew..._

They stared at him expectantly.

Louis rolled his eyes, "Why are you all on my case?"

"Oh, I don't know; maybe it's the fact that you went all radio silence the day before the opening?"

"Yeah, just like it's not everyday that your brother gets in a fatal car collision." He threw his arms.

A silence fell over them.

"Brother?" Harry who'd been silent all this time spoke.

_Shit, shit, shit._

_Inhale. Count to ten. Exhale. Repeat._

He sighed, dragging his hand on his face and sat down on the floor; even though there were chairs everywhere.

"Fuck, I meant a friend. We grew up together and went through so much shit, that we might as well be brothers."Louis played around with a loose string of the hoodie. "Which is why I panicked when I got the call saying that he was in the ICU in a very delicate condition. You all can guess what were my thoughts.

I was so wrapped up on his well being that any thoughts not concerning him were nonexistent. I mean, they weren't even sure he would keep breathing for more than a couple of hours; so, sleeping just wasn't an option, nevertheless actually thinking about my phone and the tour. And for that last part is the only thing I'll apologize for; I didn't mean to cause any problems or anything."

"We're the ones who should apologize for jumping at you like that but not for worrying our asses off; is he okay though?"

Louis swallowed around the large lump in his throat that suddenly made it nearly impossible to speak.

"Yeah, he's as okay as one could be in that condition." He shakes his head, closing his eyes."Actually he was the one that kinda reminded me of my responsibilities here and how I just couldn't leave that and yada yada yada."

_Inhale. Count to ten. Exhale. Repeat._

"And about the apologizing part," he shrugged. "it's okay, I would've reacted the same if our places were switched. I'm just tired."

After another group hug and whispers of _'please just remember to at least give a life signal'_ , _'would've done the same'_ and _'holy shit, let's get some caffeine inside of you'_.

Louis gave them a small smile, pulling away. "About that caffeine?"

_If they only knew.._

 

//

 

After the 'rehearsal' that mainly consisted of Louis chugging down any form of caffeine available at the moment, they are all about to part ways when Harry stops him.

"Are you really okay?" He asked scratching his head, something he usually did when he was insecure or nervous. " I know that we aren't on the best terms or anything but-"

"H, just come to my room."

 

//

 

They were both on the same bed. Harry kept his distance, he didn't know about any possible current boundaries and didn't want to fuck it up.

It was dark in the room, the heavy curtains pulled together to block any light that might increase Louis' pain and his back was the only thing he could actually make out.

Yeah, very hard to grasp any emotion there.

"Harry?" Louis softly whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Could you hold me?"

That tugged on Harry's heartstrings; the tone was quiet and shy as if afraid of rejection.

Since Harry was already sideways, he responded by pulling Louis to his front and wounding his arms around his waist, his face hiding in the crook of his neck.

"Lou, I-"

"Please, Haz."

The _not now, I can't deal with this at the moment_   was clearly behind the words.

Harry sighed and grabbed Louis' limp hand and intertwined their fingers. Louis stared blankly ahead, willing for sleep to come and greet him.

_Waiting. Waiting. Waiting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so..
> 
> Okay, what I did wasn't cool, I shouldn't have kept you waiting for this update BUT I had my reasons;  
> aka // the disappearance of the papers where I had planned out the plot + buzzfeed + my angel + no internet connection (i cri) + proximate trip to hell everyday (school) (I CRI) + fuCKinG miGraInEs+ low as fuck motivation + DRAG ME THE FUCK DOWN (I DIE EVERY TIME I HEAR IT) + THE babygate ( I'm sorry, but what in the fricking frack???)
> 
> I tried to write as much as possible as a 'please don't hate me THAT much treat' and hey, I've stayed up to 6:30 am to write this after I (fucking fiNaLlY) found the papers.
> 
> Sorry about the shittiness or anything and everything wrong with it.
> 
> As always, thanks for taking some of your time and actually reading this story and do you guys even read these notes (????)
> 
> Anywayys,
> 
> take care, t. xx (-:  
>  
> 
> PS // I almost forgot -- FEEDBACK IS V APRRECIATED, LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT IT AND WHAT YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPPEN SOON


	16. sorry )-:

_hey, sorry about this but i'll take some time from the story; i haven't been feeling good what with my lovely lovely 'lover' broke up with me a day after an anniversary (-: and school and the fucking drama in this fandom; the hiatus starts after i upload another chapter and the rewritten prologue._

_sorry if this lets anyone down,_

_take care xx_


	17. a/n - kinda happy (?)

_hi, guys. I've been trying to get motivated a little bit more to actually just fucking write but it's hard._

_i know that this will come off as needy or attention seeking or whatever but please a few comments saying that they're actually looking forward for them will more than likely give me that last push i need; it just feels like nobody likes the fic - so why write y'know?_

_sorry if it angers you or anything. i'm (hopefully) finishing the 3rd chapter (the story's being rewritten) so that means more chapters and more frequent ones; which reminds me, i'm going to be making a schedule for the updates._

_-hopefully you'll hear more from me soon!!_

 

**Author's Note:**

>  _Hi!_  
>  _This is my first fanfic, so feedback would be very much appriciated. ___  
>  _P.S // The story's also posted on Wattpad - in English and a Spanish translation-. ___  
>  _Thanks for taking some of your time and actually reading this shitty story. ___  
> \- Lots of love,T.x


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